Are Dating Sites Blackballing You?
Dating site dissed you? Tango takes on the touchy subject.
Anyone who's tried online dating knows that sooner or later, they'll probably be rejected—by a potential suitor. Yet over one million would-be daters have been blocked from joining online dating site eHarmony.
Now rival dating site Chemistry.com is capitalizing on the site's rejection policy, with a 10 million dollar ad campaign calling attention to the fact, and positioning itself as a welcoming, come-one-date-all alternative.
Dave Evans, an online dating industry consultant calls the ads "an eye opener." eHarmony's rejections were "never a secret, but people didn't realize that they were doing this," he says.
One ad directly addresses eHarmony's stated policy of refusing gays. Another suggests that the site rejects non-Christians, and those with other seemingly random personality quirks.
In actuality, about one in five people who answer all 436 of eHarmony's probing questions receive an immediate electronic Dear John letter reading "We are unable to match you at this time."
The company, which has about 14 million registered users and claims "thousands" of happy marriages, says that about a third of the people they reject are married, and almost another third are under 21. They also screen out applicants who have been divorced several times, and people whose multiple choice answers, according to the company's algorithm, indicate that they may be depressed or dishonest.
The site, founded by evangelical Christian Dr. Neil Clark Warren, has publicly denied that it discriminates based on religion. In an online essay, Warren emphasizes that eHarmony's goal is good marriages and fewer divorces, whether you're Christian, aspiritual or "belong to a small sect of Judaism or Hinduism or Protestantism."
eHarmony maintains that its criteria are consistent and based on research designed to lead to long-term, stable marriages, and have asked media outlets to stop carrying the ads. So far, most have refused. And in this day and age, damage is viral—and done.
The videos are on YouTube, and the issue is on the table: Is eHarmony obligated to find a match for everybody? And what kind of fallout will recriminations, or lawsuits, from spurned members have on the site's future?
Despite the site's it's-not-you-it's-us disclaimer ("We are not able to make our profiles work for you"), eHarmony's cast-offs often report feeling stung by the brush-off, like one woman who joked that she would "wear a big R on her chest the next day," and a man who sighed, "Well, I guess I am hopeless."
Discussion
[...] that sooner or later, they’ll probably beeharmonyreject1.jpg rejected—by a potential suitor.read more | digg [...]
I was one of the eharmony rejects as well. But class action lawsuit? Ugh, no, don't be a commie.
Eharmony rejected us and it hurts? Oh, puh-leeze, let's get over ourselves.
It's their business, they can do what they want. They didn't want to have me, so I didn't give them any of my money. There are countless other dating sites out there.
Lawyer Jeremy Pasternak is a slimy weasel.
I wasn't actually a reject per se', but in my case, eHarmony would not accept the age preferences I was looking for in a man. I was 52 at the time (two yrs ago) and after 3 marriages going south, I decided I'd prefer a younger man in the future. It seems that men my age just act soooo much older anymore, and as if they already have one foot in the grave! I enjoy life and have no interest whatsoever in just sitting around on a couch and watching it go by.
The age span I kept trying to enter was 30 to 45 . eHarmony kept kicking out the starting age of 30 and would put in 42. They would accept the end age of 52 but later changed it to 62! When I started to receive matches of only men in their 60's and older, I wrote to eHarmony and complained about the situation. Their reply was that they would only do an age span of no more than 20 years, and that span being 10 years on either side of my age. I wrote back and said "uh, no thank you." If I was interested in babysitting a grandfather I would. But since I'm not, I'm certainly not going to allow some elitest dating service to dictate my preferences.
I'm actually glad that it didn't work out with eHarmony. Ever since then, I have met some really very nice (younger!) men who have since gone on to become, at the very least, very good friends. I would have never even had the option to meet these people if I had stayed with eHarmony. Good luck all.
I am another of the rejects. ( DOH!)
I found that the questions were way to personal. But I was honest in answering them. !!!
I think that in my case, was because I am Hispanic or maybe the fact that I am a widow. Who knows.
Roger if you need a friend or a pen pal I am here for you.
Class action suit? By all means YES!
My name is Roger and I am one of the rejects.
I had never tried an online dating service but the promise of potential friendship/love/marriage that is so successfully marketed by eHarmony led me to take a chance. I really wanted this to work. I have learned in life that if they foundation of a relationship is built on unstable soil, it will eventually crumble. So, I filled out the questionnaire with thoughtful, introspective answers.
I am not a jock, I was the awkward, outcast in school. I loathe conflict yet I am a 12 year military veteran. I suffer fibromyalgia from Service related injuries and depression (in other words, I’m lonely – DOH). I have no Family so that is what I yearn for more than anything. I read Classical literature avidly yet I hate schools and studying. I am a walking contradiction who believes in old fashion morals yet will question society’s institutions simply because they "have always been that way". I am very shy around people I don't know...I could go on, yet I hope I have been able to successfully convey the fact that I am a "normal" person with a normal person's quirks. I may seem to have a few more because I have had so many diverse interests in life.
I was truly sold by a television commercial and nearly a year later, the rejection still hurts. eHarmony crafts their sales pitch to people who are most vulnerable and then they independently decide who is allowed to seek happiness, who is “normalâ€; they act as society’s arbiters and pronounce judgment on a person's worth as a human being.
They now possess my intimate Demographic data, some of which I have never really revealed to another person. This highly personal data was stolen from me through deceptive and misleading advertising. Once eHarmony had what they wanted, it was “so long loserâ€. This is information I was never given the option to have deleted from their databases.
If any one wants to file a class action suit, count me in.
Hey great story, but then I'm in it! :) I wanted to clarify that I did "fib" and get into eharmony, but I didn't get matched to anyone I connected with. I met my husband on an entirely different site. I am a person of faith, but my faith demands that I ask deep questions, and I don't think life is always supposed to be happy cheery yea yea! And if that's what eharmony deems to be healthy, then no wonder I didn't click with their clientele. Life is much more complicated.
The attorney Pasternak is taking our culture of a far. You can’t go into McDonalds and demand they serve you sushi. Companies DO have a right to sell what they want. They are not obligated to cater to everyone. But this article makes a valid point: if eHarmony’s ads convey that they can match anyone, then they're not being upfront by excluding some groups. Maybe they should be required to add disclaimer warnings, like they have to do on prescription drug commercials:
“Can’t be gay, multiply divorced or underage. Complex persons, deep thinkers, artists, geniuses prone to mood swings, self-examination or contemplation should not take eHarmony test. Ask your therapist if eHarmony is right for you ... “
