The Moving-In-Together Survival Guide
Joining spaces can challenge a relationship. Tips on how to transition.
You don't even know what happened. One morning, after a wonderful night of high-grade passion and high-viscosity intimacy at her place, probably over an omelet and under a bright sun, you said something to the effect of, "I think we should move in together." That was it.
With the tactical pace of Colombian kidnappers, she began her offensive. Commands like "Move that there" and "You don't need that anymore!" flew like mother-and-hooker jokes in a frat house. Armed with clothing and toiletries, she continued her siege. You threw up your hands and surrendered.
The deal is done. The fat is in the fire. Now you must accept her terms: In exchange for her moving in, you will forego any personal space and agree to store or pitch half of all things that make up the singular "you." In addition, you will allow her 24-hour access to your psyche where, at her discretion, she will chip away at your identity until she has created a new, more dependent, and collective "you."
The collective you, if you haven't figured it out, is who you become when you commit fully to a loving relationship. You are no longer just you. You are you and your girlfriend/fiancée/wife. Every decision, every action, every reaction, affects the whole, the entire unit of two. It's a heavy thing, and a heavy decision. Not too dissimilar to buying a car, or a house, or any other big, bulky purchase that represents maturity and the dreaded specter of responsibility. This collective you is a very foreign concept for the single you. It’s new math. For years you only had to remember what "you" wanted. What do "you" want for dinner? Will "you" have another drink? Should "you" go to the gym or stay on the couch for another hour watching TV with no pants on?
What it comes down to: The collective you is simply superior to the singular you. Instinctually, we all know this, which is why we go out and seek it. True, you give up more than 50 percent of your living space to scented candles, throw pillows, and other useless cargo, but you gain the power of two.
Men's egocentric thinking, combined with an overwhelming drive to be personally successful, gives them no time to consider the difference between the collective and the singular you. It doesn't come up. Women, on the other hand, are smarter. They make the time. Yes, they strive to be successful, and, yes, your girl can veg on the couch with the best of them. But while you sit, one hand operating the TV remote with the dexterity of a brain surgeon and the other resting comfortably on her leg, screaming out Jeopardy answers to show her how smart you are, she is thinking, and thinking, and thinking. Not just about the collective you (she's got to think about nail polish and unicorns sometime, right?), but it's on her mental agenda.
Discussion
This is a very good article it makes me look forward to my future move in endevour.
Dean, you're a sexist ass. How about you move past the dated characterization of females as those "chipping away" at male identities, controlling and manipulative? Thanks a bunch.
After 45 years of living with three women (one at a timm) I now live with a man. What a relief. I am free at last. The writer of the article has gone through the mill and every word is true! Believe it!
Fred
whew. the comments are a relief. i was worried when i moved in with my bf i was going to have to start shopping at restoration hardware and making phot albums and eating fresh vegetables! holy crap, you people know how to scare a lady.
Wow. What misogynistic, offensive, stereotypical BS. Why would a man bother living with a woman if his life was like that?
And what about the woman who owns her own home and a man moves in with her? What about the changes women have to make?
It's a 50/50 negotiation and compromise. The guy who wrote this needs to grow up out of his frat and join the real world where adults live. Or he can just keep playing with his Britney Spears and unicorns.
You gotta admit - he's right. After living on your own for a while, it's hard to give up 'your' space.
I feel sorry for the guy who wrote this! If you're feeling that suffocated and you don't have your individuality, you're in big trouble! Create boundaries and communicate your needs and wants! It's the only way to a healthy relationship. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's the only way.
