If Your Guy Does These 6 Things, He Isn't In Love With You — He's Obsessed
He's too involved in your life and the relationship.
CaseyHillPhoto | Canva I use the phrase "psychological demons disguised as love" when I talk about people who have disturbed romantic beliefs. You may be surprised by the number of people who've felt trapped in unhealthy relationships at some point in their lives. In my work with clients, as well as in casual conversations, I've noticed certain behavioral patterns of toxic, emotionally abusive lovers. When I get into conversations about love, dating, or romance, people often want to know the red flags to watch out for as signs of emotional abuse in toxic relationships. I tell them that trouble brews when emotion trumps reason in relationships — when you listen to what your heart feels and not what your mind screams. This happens when something goes wrong in your relationship because the surge of love hormones drowns reason. Consider these examples:
- You dismiss the tiny little warning telling you that something isn't right.
- You make excuses — such as that they're tired, stressed, or sick — to explain away their bad behaviors.
- You convince yourself that you're just misreading your partner's intentions.
When emotions override reason you may find yourself sinking in a sea of emotional abuse. If you don't recognize the signs, you just may end up drowning. In this article, I want to focus on the emotional abuse of "obsessive" lovers. Take the following love vs. obsession scenario as an example: "Intense" is the word Katie often uses to describe her relationship with Jake. After their first date, they were inseparable. They spent huge amounts of time together, and within a couple of months, she moved into his condo. When they were apart, he constantly sent her text messages, left her voicemails, complimented her, and showered her with attention.
At first, Katie loved the attention, but after some time she felt it was too much. Jake unexpectedly showed up at her casual business events, hangouts with her sisters, and nights out with her friends. When they weren't spending time together, Jake barraged her with text messages and phone calls, "Just to check in." Even when he already knew the answers, he questioned her about who she was going out with and where. Jake was also jealous of Katie's male friends and co-workers, always finding some kind of problem with them.
He became agitated in the evenings when she had plans to go places without him and started fights with her to put a damper on her potential fun. He was most relaxed when she canceled her plans and spent the evenings with him at home. At the beginning of their relationship, Jake seemed to be patient and understanding about Katie's long and sometimes unpredictable hours as a physician. Then somehow this changed and he became less understanding and more demanding of her time. He constantly complained about feeling lonely and miserable without her. When she had to work late or take on extra shifts, Jake became enraged and unreasonable in his demands that she find another job.
To dodge these arguments, Katie withdrew more and more from her friends and family. She spent more time at home with Jake, and while this often made her happy, she also felt trapped and suffocated. When she finally decided it was enough and she needed to break up with him, Jake told her that he couldn't live without her and threatened to kill himself if she left.
If your guy does these 6 things, he isn't in love with you, he's obsessed:
1. They barrage you with intense and constant attention
2. They demand unreasonable amounts of your time
3. They ignore other aspects of their own life for you
4. They show jealousy toward anyone and any activity that "competes" for your attention
5. They follow you or check up on you when you're not together
6. They physically ignore your personal space in order to show others that you're taken
Obsessive love begins with intense emotions, flattery, and attention, and slowly turns into an unhealthy possessiveness of you. Initially, it's easy to confuse obsessive love with healthy love. In the beginning of new romantic relationships, it's natural for you to be the sole focus of your partner's thoughts. You spend an incredible amount of time together and you think of each other when you're apart. In a relationship with a lover who has an obsession with you, after some time, you'll notice that your partner doesn't support your independence anymore. They'll want to spend unreasonable amounts of time with you. If you pursue outside interests and activities then your loyalties will be questioned. You might hear variations of questions and statements like these:
- "Why do you prefer to hang out with your friends over spending time with me?"
- "Why do you have to go back to the office tonight?"
- "Can’t you finish your work another time?"
- "You know I'm not comfortable in crowds, so make sure you stay by my side."
When you attend events together, you'll notice that your partner won't leave your side or get angry when you talk to someone else. The possessiveness, questioning, and jealousy can shake your confidence in your partner and your relationship. When you peel away your partner's obsessive layers, you'll uncover an insecure person who determines their self-worth from your relationship, your attention, and your exclusivity.
Many times this is because your partner is trying to heal their past hurts and loss from previous relationships. They feel that if they can control you, then they heal from the past and prevent more loss in the future. But if you're not careful, you could find yourself wondering how you ended up isolated from your family and friends and completely controlled by your partner. Knowing — and watching out for — these signs of obsessive love and emotional abuse can help you better navigate your way out of such a relationship.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
Blanca Cobb is a nationally recognized body language and lie detection expert who uses her behavior analysis expertise and psychology background to get to the truth. She’s been featured on HLN’s Dr. Drew On-Call, Good Morning America, CNN, USA Today, FOX, ABC, CBS, and NBC affiliates as well as quoted in the New York Daily News, The Root, and Cosmopolitan magazines.