If People Seem To Judge You Before Getting To Really Know You, It's Probably For These 11 Reasons
Demkat | Shutterstock Nobody likes the feeling judged, especially for things we can't control. If people seem to be constantly judging you before getting to know you, it's probably because of a few traits you have more control over than you realize.
Of course, there are times people act judgmental out of their own feelings of insecurity, and it's good to be prepared for these judgements, too. Some things you're judged for aren't worth worrying about and say more about the judger than yourself. In these cases, it's probably good to let them go.
If people seem to judge you before getting to really know you, it's probably for these 11 reasons
1. Your nervous behavior
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People like confidence, whether it's in a random socialization or in romantic relationships. In fact, one study found that potential partners viewed those who were confident (but not arrogant) as more attractive. This is no surprise, as it's been the foundation of dating and career advice for generations.
But if you're an anxious mess, this can have the opposite effect. When people see you as unreliable or insecure, they will view you as weak-minded and unattractive, making it harder to win them over.
They may judge you for what you do when you're nervous, too. Often this type of judgement is the kind that comes from the judger's own insecurity, but that doesn't make it hurt less.
2. Your phone usage
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People are on their phones now more than ever, with research suggesting that depression and anxiety are significantly linked with smartphone overuse. Though we know constant use of our phones is not good for us, using your phone often could have another unexpected outcome, it can cause people to judge you more harshly.
People absolutely despise others who can't get off their phones and enjoy the moment. One study even cited that phone use takes away the enjoyment people derive from real-world social interactions.
Ironically, people who judge you before knowing you because of your phone use probably have an unhealthy relationship with their own phones. Maybe they've gotten over it, or maybe they haven't, but when they look at you with your nose in your phone, they are likely reminded of their own shame over phone use.
3. Your handshake
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If people seem to judge you before getting to know you, it might be how you're greeting them. Don't underestimate the power of a firm handshake. One study from the University of Alabama found that a firmer handshake showed greater openness and confidence, proving that the old advice was true. .
As for a limp handshake, the study found that people who use this type of contact are perceived as neurotic and shy. So, the next time you're meeting someone new, be sure to use a firm handshake to change the way they may judge you at first.
4. Your tardiness
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Many people know the high-stress feeling of running late. While there are often reasons for being late that can be excused, if you make it a habit, it might be a big reason people judge you before they get to know you.
People tend to view those who are tardy as less reliable, disrespectful, and irresponsible. It makes you subject to severe criticism without anyone ever getting to know you. Do yourself a favor and show up on time.
5. Your body
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The world can get pretty judgmental. Unfortunately, a person's body is not exempt from that judgment or criticism. People will judge you if you're too skinny or too big, too muscular or not muscular enough. All of this happens regardless of how healthy you are.
And the impact of this judgment is severe, with one study saying, "Strong evidence supports obesity stigma as an important contributor to poor mental health outcomes for people living with obesity, who are 32% more likely to develop depression compared with their normal-weight counterparts."
Ironically, research has shown that shame and judgment are some of the least effective ways to get people to change, and that's about a lot more than just weight. Social psychologist Amy Cuddy explains that, "When we experience shame, our brain sees it as a threat, triggering a self-protection response that leads to withdrawal, not action."
So if you feel less inspired after someone is judgmental of you, know you're not alone. This is a "them" problem, not a "you" problem.
6. Your posture
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Having poor posture might make you more susceptible to judgment from others, well before they really get to know you. If you find yourself slouching or refusing to sit up straight, this can come off to people as uncaring. You can lose out on opportunities since it appears you aren't taking things seriously.
To avoid this, remind yourself to sit up straight. If necessary, have a friend remind you if they notice your posture seems off. It may be annoying at first and you'll likely be adjusting yourself frequently, but all good things take practice.
7. Your manners
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Having good manners will always get you compliments, or at the least unspoken respect. Poor manners, on the other hand, may cause people to judge you, even if they don't know you.
If you have bad habits like burping, chewing noisily, or spilling drinks, these can quickly leave you open to others' judgment. But more subtle poor manners, like interrupting or stepping in front and cutting people off on the street count, too.
People will judge you if you come off as rude or disrespectful, but that honesty shouldn't be surprising. Because nobody likes an inconsiderate person, especially strangers.
8. Your vocal volume
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When you're in a public space, it's good to keep an eye on your volume. People don't like individuals who are inconsiderate to others around them, and nobody wants to shop or eat with someone who can't control their volume.
It's not only annoying, but can be embarrassing for your friends and family. After all, nobody wants to be associated with that disrespectful behavior. In contrast, if you speak too quietly, people may judge you before getting to know you, assuming you lack confidence or are afraid to speak.
Experts at University of William and Mary say that volume variation is key to social success. Too loud and you seem gruff and arrogant, too quiet lacks confidence. So read the room and the setting, and adjust as needed. You may find that people judge you way less.
9. Your outward appearance
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Depending on what you wear, people will judge you. If you're stepping out of your flashy car with a nice outfit on, people might assume you're successful and view you more favorably. But if you dress poorly or have worn out garb, people will view you as uncaring and straight-up sloppy.
One study found that people who dressed "richer" were more likely to be viewed as competent, while people who dressed "poorer" struggled with others acknowledging their capabilities.
That doesn't mean you need to dress fancy no matter where you go, but you can avoid this judgment by putting just a little bit of effort into your appearance. Or, you can dress how you want and let people judge away!
10. Your actions
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Actions have consequences, and yours are no exception. If you yell at a service worker, cut lines, or roll your eyes at other people, it's not a good look. How you act in public can shape the way you are perceived, and people don't view rudeness or unpleasant behavior well.
Be sure to be kind to others, say excuse me and wait for your turn, and be patient and towards those around you. If you get frustrated, remember you can simply leave.
This may be one area where being judged is right. Your actions are you own choice and they do reflect on who you are. So if your actions are causing people to judge you, then maybe it's time to take a deep look inside.
11. The way you smell
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While this one seems obvious, as people do judge others if they smell them before getting to know them (and the smell is bad). But people also judge others on perfume and cologne, too. Research even says that how you choose to scent yourself says a lot about you.
One of the worst offenses is wearing too much cologne or one that is excessively heavy. People may judge you as being insecure, disingenuous or even immature if they meet your fragrance before you.
So look at the little things, reviewing these 11 honest reasons people judge you before really getting to know you, and see which ones matter to you most. It's OK if you don't want to change yourself, especially when it comes to your body or taste, but at least you'll know what they value. Then you get to choose if you want that person in your life, too.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.
