Women Whose Dads Said These 11 Harsh Things Growing Up Often Don't Want To Be Around Them As Adults
middelveld | Canva Losing touch with your own children when they become adults is often among a parent's biggest fears, especially now that estrangement is becoming more common now compared to generations past. For women whose dads said harsh things when they were growing up, estrangement (partial or total) may feel like the best answer. After all, if someone made you feel bad, you often don't want to be around them as an adult.
According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, 26% of participants reported being estranged from their fathers, and the average age for that estrangement was 23 years old. While the study doesn't detail specific reasons why, we can observe the trends, including some of the harsh things dads say to daughers that make women not want to be around them once they're grown.
Women whose dads said these 11 harsh things growing up often don't want to be around them as adults
1. 'You're just being dramatic'
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Dads who said harsh things to their daughters like, “You’re just dramatic,” usually don’t have close relationships with them when they grow up. By using this phrase, dads essentially tell their daughters that their emotions aren't valid or worth hearing. Once they discover that their emotions were valid, their daughters often don't want to be around them anymore.
Being sensitive isn’t a bad trait, yet when a dad tells his daughter she’s being dramatic, he’s framing her sensitive nature as something to be ashamed of. It’s likely that she’ll stop sharing her feelings with him, which can seriously limit the emotional depth of their relationship.
According to a study from the Journal of Adolescence, the existence of a nurturing relationship between fathers and daughters is directly related to a daughter’s well-being. Positive communication is linked to higher self-esteem and better mental health outcomes. The more involved a father is in his daughter's life, the less likely she is to have emotional and behavioral problems.
Overall, the study found that a close father-daughter relationship leads to higher academic and professional success, along with higher self-esteem and higher levels of secure partner attachment. And that's just one reason dads should be careful how they speak to their daughters.
2. 'I always know what's best for you'
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Dads who say “I know what’s best for you” might have good intentions, but using this phrase means they usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they grow up. By telling their daughters that they know best, dads undermine their sense of independence and autonomy, which can make daughters feel resentful.
According to the Self-Determination Theory, there are three basic psychological needs that have to be met for functioning, growth, and well-being: Autonomy, relatedness, and competence. People’s need to feel autonomous relies on a feeling of freedom and being able to make their own decisions. Their need for relatedness means they have to cultivate genuine, caring, and responsive relationships with other people who hold importance in their lives. Their need for competence requires feeling like they’re capable of pursuing their goals and seeing positive outcomes.
Getting these three basic needs met allows for psychological growth, which is why it’s so valuable for dads to let their daughters make their own decisions, even when they lead to mistakes. But when dads tell their daughters that they know best, it denies young women the opportunity to grow and learn to trust themselves.
3. 'You're just like your mother'
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This one can go two different ways, depending on how a woman's dad feels about her mom.
Women whose dads said, “You’re just like your mother,” growing up usually don’t have close relationships with them if the comparison is a negative one. Daughters who repeatedly hear that they’re just like their mothers end up feeling resentful and judged by their dads for who they are.
Not only is this a negative expression, it's also a sleight to the woman's mother, which is another layer of cruelty and may even qualify as parental alienation, which some experts consider a covert type of abuse. Unless a man is saying it lovingly, it's a phrase dads should avoid, regardless of their daughter's age.
4. 'You'll understand when you're older'
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While this one is less problematic than some of the others, women whose dads said “You’ll understand when you’re older" to them when they were growing up may feel resentment toward their fathers. Why? They likely felt dismissed instead of supported by this phrase, especially when they’re asking a vulnerable question.
According to well-being expert Tchiki Davis, “Most of us don’t really want to show the parts of us that we don’t like — the parts that scare us or make us feel ashamed, embarrassed, or weak. It’s not so easy to share these parts of ourselves."
“It’s scary to be so openly vulnerable,” she continues. “It’s like opening up an old wound and telling others right where to poke you. But to fully be ourselves we have to be our full selves.”
Daughters who open up to their dads about challenges they’re facing or insecurities they have, only to be told that they’ll understand better when they’re older, generally feel like their dads aren’t really hearing them or letting them be their most authentic selves. Their dads also miss a valuable opportunity to help their daughters practice critical thinking and empathy, skills that are grown in children when their parents have the patience to explain complicated ideas and situations.
5. 'Just let me handle it'
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When dads say, “Just let me handle it” out of frustration, instead of letting their daughter work through a problem or try something themselves, they tell their child that they don't trust them. It may be said out of impatience rather than cruelty, but when said often while a girl is growing up, those women often don't want to be around their dads as adults.
Daughters who aren’t given space to develop confidence end up stuck in their own self-doubt, which hinders their ability to take care of themselves when they’re older. Coach Alex Mathers shares that while self-doubt is a common human experience, giving into it can stop you from reaching your goals.
He reveals that some amount of self-doubt can be helpful, since it points out places where we can grow.
“Many of us confuse doubt from our lack of skills with personal inadequacy,” Mathers explains. “It could be true that you need more practice to be more effective in something, but that has nothing to do with personal worth.”
Research shows that the best parenting style is authoritative, where parents share knowledge and earn respect by guiding and respecting their children. This doesn't mean a parent is a push-over, simply that they give their kids guidance and opportunities to explore and grow.
6. 'You can't wear that out of the house'
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Women whose dads said, “You can’t wear that out of the house” in a harsh way often don't want to be around their dads as adults. This is likely because she felt shamed and controlled, two tactics that don't work well with adolescents.
While setting limits and expecting their daughters to respect household rules is valid, dictating what she can or can’t wear is often a sign of being overly controlling. This is often based in purity culture or other extreme, religious-based methods of shaming young people into complying with a set of rules around their bodies and intimacy. It has been found to be damaging to self-esteem, increasing anxiety, corrosive to family relationships, and problematic in women's future marriages.
When dads tell their daughters they can’t wear certain clothes, it sends a deeply harmful message that the potential of being mistreated is ultimately her fault, because of her outfit. Using this phrase is a form of victim-blaming, and it denies daughters the ability to express their authenticity and make decisions for themselves.
If a dad wants to thoughtfully help guide his daughter in what to wear, he can do so without expressing it in absolutes, asking her to consider things like comfort or what's appropriate to the situation and culture. That way, she's more likely to want to be around her dad when she is an adult.
7. 'You're too strong for your own good'
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Women whose dads said things like, “You’re too strong for your own good," they're taught that being independent as a negative trait, as if she should be more passive to others' needs. This is harmful, as it makes her feel like she can't trust her own instincts and autonomy. It also teaches her not to stand up for herself, which can cause harm for the rest of her life.
All too often, girls and young women are taught to shrink themselves down, to fit into socially-prescribed boxes and limiting definitions of how they should act and present themselves in public. They don't need their fathers reinforcing that, when a healthier and more empowering option woudl be to teach her how to stand up for herself in ways that will work best.
While parenting a head-strong daughter might be challenging, dads should aim to foster their daughters’ sense of independence, rather than suppress it.
A study published in the North American Journal of Psychology noted that strong, connected father-daughter relationships rely on the fathers’ level of engagement, accessibility, and responsibility. The researchers found a direct correlation between those traits and daughters’ self-esteem and their life satisfaction.
The study concluded that young women who identify with and relate to their fathers have higher levels of self-esteem, success, and independence.
Dads who help their daughters become independent set them up for a successful adulthood, while dads who tell them they’re “too strong” hold them back, and usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they’re grown up.
8. 'You need to grow up'
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Parents often have to be the bearer of bad news and harsh truths, but women whose dads said “you need to grow up” often don't want to be around their dads as adults.
There are a few reasons for this, including the message that her feelings aren’t important, or that she’s being irrational, which will most likely lead to her keeping her emotions to herself in the future.
Another is that it's not instructive or helpful. What, exactly, does maturity look like in the situation where he's scolding her, and how can she get there? Even more basic: is that level of "grown up" developmentally appropriate for her age?
Dads who tell their daughters they need to grow up discount their emotions, which ultimately makes him an unsafe place to open up or make mistakes. And kids need their parents to be this safe space in order to grow into secure adults.
9. 'Why do you make everything so difficult?'
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Dads who say the phrase “Why do you make everything so difficult” usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters as adults because their daughters feel judged rather than accepted. They also likely see their dads as irrational, as nobody makes everything (literally) so difficult.
Young women need to learn that their needs are valid and deserve to be met, or else they will end up in relationships that don’t provide them with the care and emotional support they deserve. They may also feel like this trait is a permanent part of who they are. As life coach Mitzi Bockmann explains, when you tell your child they "always" do something, you make that trait seem inevitable.
"Because they are always doing it, they are incapable of doing things any differently," she writes. "As a result, they grow up believing they are flawed in some way, often bringing flaws into their adult lives." And that is something a strong, adult women will not want to relive with her aging father.
10. 'I don't have time for this'
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Dads who regularly say, “I don’t have time for this” usually don’t have close relationships with their daughters when they grow up. Casting their needs aside makes daughters feel like they’re not important enough for the dads to pay attention to, which can make them cut off contact later in life.
According to a survey by the Pew Research Center, more mothers than fathers reported being present, involved, and available to their children. 71% of moms said they do more to manage their kids’ schedules. 72% of moms said they provide more comfort and emotional support than dads do.
But it doesn't have to be this way. Dads play an enormously important role in their kids' lives, including their daughters. Not only does the daughter miss out on crucial bonding time, the dad misses out on her childhood.
Dads have a major impact on their daughters’ lives, including how confident and worthy they feel. When dads devote time and attention to their daughters, they show them just how much they matter. Yet dads who tell their daughters that they don’t have time for them usually don’t have close relationships with them when they grow up.
11. 'You're not going to date until you're 30!'
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Women whose dad made this joke when they were growing up probably knew that he was being silly, but internalized the message of "you're never allowed to date" as at least partly true. At its core, it's a purity culture message that implies her "goodness" is something that can be taken from her by a boy (or a man, when she's an adult). This is shame-based parenting.
In a meta-analysis review of research, researchers report that "indicators of a dysfunctional parent‐child relationship were found to be positively associated with child shame and maladaptive guilt." In other words, shame and unhealthy forms of guilt (manipulated guilt) are connected with bad relationships between parents and kids.
So, even if he's joking when he says this, a dad is letting his daughter know that her full, healthy, adult self is not OK. He's letting her know that having crushes makes her less valued or valuable, and that, someday, her intimate relationships will disappoint him.
In a healthy dad-daughter relationship, fathers want to protect their daughters, but they also want them to grow into well-rounded, fully actualized women. Healthy dads whose daughters grow up and still want to be around them as adults let their girls know that womanhood is wonderful and that their love is unconditional, and not at all dependent upon her "purity".
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
