Can Your Childhood Predict Your Luck In Marriage?
Why get married? I can take care of myself.
VlaDee | Canva We live in a time when the institution of marriage is being questioned more and more. More people are choosing to stay single.
The big question has become: Why get married?
I recently married, and my friends ask, "So, how is it being married?" Then, of course, I get the unsolicited comment, "I'm never getting married." If they delve a little deeper they might say something like, "I don't want to give away half my stuff."
When experts such as Napoleon Hill, author of Think And Grow Rich say things like (and I paraphrase) when a man is inspired and backed by a woman, he accomplishes far more, far more.
Women can be the keepers of the moral and ethical standards of a culture, and they can do this with one word — no. Saying, "no" to unethical and immoral behavior. When we are gifted with this no, we can rise to the occasion rationally and well-intentioned.
Not many of us are born in rational homes. I was born in a very emotional home. My father was an alcoholic, and I was a surrogate husband to my mom. It was a very trying time. My wife, however, was born in Taiwan where they are a very rational and nuclear family-oriented culture. She lived at home with her family until we got married at the age of 34.
In a rational home, people are cherished
When children are taught emotional regulation, they understand their worth and can better protect and allow others to be vulnerable. Yet, their compassion can be dashed by societal expectations. It's been my observation that in America if a woman chooses not to marry by the time she finishes college, she goes out into the world to fend for herself. Shortly after she says, "Why get married? I can take care of myself." And she does. Women must put in more effort than men do to achieve a similar result socially, academically, and economically. Often, when a man loses his job, he stays on the couch and pretends to watch the kids, while his partner must go out and get the work done. The gendered double standard makes the marriage commitment difficult to rationalize.
Spirituality and singledom
I've done yoga for over 20 years and read many spiritual books. I spent 20 years in Al-Anon. I've been around a lot of spiritual people and in my observation of self-proclaimed spiritual people, I found they are predominantly single. Why is that? It is because most spiritual people are emotional people. They're often raised in homes where they're not taught to be, feel, think, and share for themselves. They're taught what to feel, what to think, what to do consciously and unconsciously by others until there's little, if any, love left for themselves.
Why get married? Why do I need it?
In my opinion, we must be rewired to love ourselves as it is a natural state. It's relatively easy to be spiritual in a vacuum, either alone or with others of the same mindset. Spirituality often flies out the window when we relate intimately with others of differing belief systems.
When people ask me why get married I say, "Marriage is the most spiritual thing I've ever done, and I've done a lot of downward dog." The reason is, that the only way you know you love yourself or anyone else is by the commitments you're willing to make and to keep. Not to a finite fallible human being, but to the relationship.
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When my wife and I were fighting in the imperfect stage, we committed not to give up on the relationship. If I can say anything to you, I will say find someone willing to fight with you — because those are the people who truly love you. Be kind because we're all finite, fallible human beings with an infinite capability to love. How will you choose to embrace and nurture that love?
James Allen Hanrahan is a dating and relationship coach for women based in Los Angeles. He's also the author of "A Life of Love" and "Dating Advice for Alpha Women."