The One Emotional Habit Of Parents That Damages Kids In A Way Good Parenting Can't Fix
How wanting the best for your kids can sometimes backfire.
FatCamera / Getty Images Signature via Canva As parents, all we want is to raise good kids, right? We want them to be successful and to be able to take on the world with beaming confidence.
But let's face it, we're going to mess up sometimes. We might say or do the wrong thing without even realizing it.
So, what's the one parenting habit we need to kick to the curb if we want to do right by our kids?
According to Destini Ann Davis, a parenting expert and influencer, it's something we often do with the best of intentions. We think we're helping our kids, but it undermines their security and their trust in themselves.
Davis shared this on Open Relationships: Transforming Together, opening up to host Andrea Miller.
The Emotional Habit Of Parents That Damages Your Kid
"You're going to experience the highest level of conflict with children," says Davis. And no amount of parenting tricks and tips will change that.
Thinking back on our own childhoods, I bet many of us can agree that we had our fair share of conflict with our parents.
And some of us can admit to being traumatized by their parenting style, whether that was their intention or not.
And so, what do we find ourselves saying? We tell ourselves, "I'll never be like my parents."
But what if this very line of thinking, sets our children up for failure?
Davis admits that she had no clue what she was doing when it came to raising her child. Her only rule of thumb was to not be like her parents. However, deep down something was missing.
Davis explains, "I'm doing all the tools and I have all the communication scripts and all that, but we didn't have the relationship I genuinely desired."
She continues, "What's going on? Why is it that the tools that I think are working are working because her behaviors are different, but her self-esteem looked just like the 'bad' kids did."
How did I wind up here? What did I do wrong? Then that's when it finally hit her — this was about her, not her daughter. And no amount of tools or communication scripts was going to fix this.
However, through acknowledging her trauma she was able to become self-aware of her behavior. She became in tune with herself and that's when her parenting style evolved.
"I was so child-focused," says Davis. She was all about her child because no one had been all about her when she was little.
So, she figured that if she focused enough on her kid's feelings, everything would eventually work out for the best. But that wasn't the case. And her child's self-confidence hit an all-time low.
You see, everything Davis did stemmed from fear. The fear of messing up and the fear of her child ending up like her.
"I don't want to be like my parents, so I'm gonna do the opposite," says Davis.
But in doing so, her biggest fears came true. So, she took a step back and did some soul-searching.
Davis admitted, "If I keep ignoring me and what I experienced, this is not going to work."
Thinking like this helped her begin to heal and move on from her past trauma. And eventually, she got to a point where she was finally able to forgive her parents.
But let's be real, this is anything but easy. Revisiting those childhood traumas and working through them is hard work. However, with time and effort, we can slowly start to heal and, in the process, become the amazing parents our children deserve.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.