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A licensed therapist shares what makes women happy in bed (and out!).
By Janet Whitney — Written on Oct 11, 2022
Sex is one of the most important ways of communicating and loving another person. In general, because women concentrate more on relationships, they are more attuned to the qualities of great sex.
Chances are, most women could name the main ingredients for awesome sex.
But the truth about how women can have satisfying sex has as much to do with the mind as with physical gratification.
Five simple steps that can ensure great sex with your partner
1. Know yourself and your body.
This can be done through exploring touch and what feels good while with a trusting partner or can be done with masturbation or exploring eroticism by yourself.
We are quite individual and unique in what we find pleasurable. Look at some of the differences. Some people like light touch while others prefer a stronger touch.
Some of us like a massage while others like the feel of being lightly scratched. Some people like variety while others like the tried and true. Some people need a clean and shaven body to be next to while others enjoy the aroma of someone who has just worked out. Even look at how often people enjoy or want to have sex. it varies greatly.
So start by knowing what feels good to you.
2. Communicate openly and honestly.
Trust and feel free enough to communicate honestly with your partner. If we are not comfortable with expressing our truths, this holding back of feelings and wants can interfere with a successful sexual experience. Sex is a physical form of communication and positive, open, and loving verbal communication goes a long way in the bedroom.
It may be necessary to have verbal communication away from the bedroom so that any anxieties or uncertainties can be discussed away from the sexual experience. From John Gray's book, Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, we can learn to concentrate on the emotional needs of men versus women.
He states that most women need care, understanding, and respect, while men respond best to trust, acceptance, and appreciation for all the good things they bring into the relationship. These different needs can help us to focus on increasing the bond with our partners by the way we speak to them.
3. Add humor.
Do you know what ranks as one of the top qualities a woman is looking for in a partner? It is someone who can make her laugh and feel comfortable. Sex is such an intimate experience and life is way too serious for most of us these days. So adding laughter into sex and making it playful releases some of the tension of performance anxiety.
The human body can be unpredictable and for some of us, it can be embarrassing, at times. If we can laugh at our differences and create acceptance with humor, sex can be such a fun and loving experience. There are certain things to laugh about as we undress and share our bodies with someone we love and care about.
4. Start the connection way before the bedroom.
Usually, women need time to get warmed up or turned on to the act of sex. Romance can start early in the day with a soft kiss, loving touches, kind words, and with sweet acts of kindness. By remembering this way of warming both partners up to connect sexually, the heart and mind will be ready and eager for the partner.
Learning about the "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman can help a couple learn what love language gives the most return on investment. Most people know what makes them feel open and close to another person.
Feel free to ask your partner if touch and affection, acts of service, or shared activities, or words of affirmation, or if gifts warm them up and make them feel loved. Sometimes it is a combination of a couple of those aspects of loving that really touch another person.
I remember working with a couple where the woman scrubbed the floor every morning and made gourmet meals after work. Her husband's love language was touch and affection. He said, "I don't care if we eat at McDonald's and if the floor is dirty, I just want to be physically close." This is how couples can miss the mark but not understand their partner's way of feeling loved.
Understanding the uniqueness of our partner can help us be successful in bed.
5. Stay present with your mate and focus on the positive.
We are all distracted by worries, responsibilities, and the everyday craziness of life. Creating an atmosphere of quiet and uninterrupted time to connect works wonders for sex. I recommend one date night a week and a couple of getaways as often as can be arranged. A break in everyday routine creates a more relaxed and exciting proposition for being sexual.
Coming out of the pandemic and that feeling of Groundhog Day, where life was just repeating itself, has given most of us a desire to break up routines in order to feel alive and free again. Since our world has entered a more intense feeling of fear and negativity, the most powerful tool we have is staying positive, hopeful, and encouraging toward our partners and everyone we meet.
Bring someone closer with honey, not the fly swatter. Acknowledge all of the good within and around your partner, your home, and even yourself.
The quality of a couple's sexual relationship has been shown to reflect a high correlation to satisfaction within a relationship.
We can all work on making the connection more meaningful and fulfilling by continuing to grow as individuals and in our understanding of our partners. Keep using the tools provided above and enjoy each other!
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Janet Lee Whitney, MA, LMFT has been a licensed psychotherapist, since 1982. She is the author of the book and program entitled Facing Your Fears and Following Your Dreams.