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Anyone else feel confused like this sometimes?
By Kat Stark — Written on Aug 02, 2021
Oh, the lady pile.
Such a delightful place to be with the silky skin, curving hips, breasts ranging from shy buds to the bounteous beauties I’d just had a close encounter with, incredible noises ranging from soft gasps and sighs to loud orgasmic cries that could be heard through the walls.
It’s a place I’ve found myself more often than I’d expected to, considering I find myself more attracted to penises than to vaginas.
When I’m in an unfamiliar play party situation, I almost always find myself buried in a pile of women.
I hadn’t noticed this pattern until I was reflecting back on this year’s trip to Desire Resort and Spa for a retreat with the Swingset crew and I realized I’d had far more sex with women than men while I was there.
I spent a whole lot of quality time with Ophilia.
Raina and I had several sexy encounters.
I licked Eliza’s face (and multiple other body parts) during a threesome.
I did play with men on the trip, but only with guys I’ve played with before and with whom I have established relationships.
I’d expected to connect with new guys, such as one man I made out with previously while traveling and who I had flirted with heavily via text before the trip, intending to seal the sexy deal in Mexico, but it just never happened.
When I think back over the year, I realize that at every play party I traveled out of town for I played almost exclusively with women.
I’ve been trying to figure out why that is the case since as a general rule my natural attraction to men runs stronger than my attraction to women.
I think my inclination toward lesbian sex comes down to these five different things:
1. Women are comfortable.
When I’m in a situation I’m not fully at ease in, I’m not able to do the usual things I do to get to know a guy and figure out if we’d be a good sexual match. There’s a lot of focus required to do that for me and in play party group dynamics I’m not able to have that focus.
Since I don’t associate the romantic aspects of getting to know someone with women, I can ease more simply into the moment and enjoy all the sexy opportunities they offer.
2. The vortex of Will.
I feel a lot of guilt over this, but when I’m in the vicinity of a certain man named Will I have a hard time fully seeing anyone else.
The intensity of my attraction for him and the way our relationship has been interwoven with almost every important piece of my non-monogamous evolution means that when we’re in the same geographical location, I tend to be focused on him.
It’s difficult, confusing, and sometimes painful (for both me and my other male partners). My husband Flick was hurt by it the first time we were around him together because he felt that when Will was present it was like no one else existed for me.
I wanted to be more considerate this year and burying myself in women successfully served as a coping mechanism/self-distraction strategy.
3. I can focus on 'doing' instead of being.
When I don’t feel entirely relaxed, it’s much easier for me to focus on doing things. I will often volunteer to run things or ask to be assigned tasks at events so I don’t have to be as aware of my socially awkward thoughts and interactions with people.
In play party situations with women, I’m usually the one wearing the strap-on or wielding the dildo, which means I can concentrate on doing those things. When I’ve been with men in these situations, I usually end up focusing on giving them blow jobs or hand jobs.
When I can put the attention on someone else’s pleasure or give someone an experience they haven’t had before I don’t have to think about how out-of-place I feel.
4. Women feel safe.
Although I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by wonderful men in my life, not all men are wonderful. There is a lot of inherent risks involved in being someone who has sex with men and my physical safety is a big piece of why I’m not inclined to have sex with people I haven’t spent time getting to know.
I'd like to trust that the guys I meet in sexy party settings have been vetted by my people, but I know too many female friends who’ve been pressured into acts they weren’t comfortable with at parties, or bullied and hassled when they stood their ground regarding safer sex methods or had men try to breach clearly set boundaries.
Those women beat themselves up after the bad situation, over-analyzing everything they did wrong instead of placing the blame where it should be: on the men who crossed the line.
It sucks that so much conflict and angst related to sexuality has to be broken down into yet another critique of the patriarchal society we live in, but women have been socialized our whole lives to acquiesce to men’s needs and desires, and it makes us vulnerable to going along with things we don’t want to do, too often second-guessing ourselves and our boundaries.
We’re also vulnerable because the men we’re with have been socialized to expect us to resist and be unclear. These men are told that if they ask enough or push enough, the first ‘no’ will turn into the ‘yes’ they want.
Physically, if I had to, there’s a good chance I could take, or at least get away from, most of the women I play with. The same is not true for men. Most of them are likely to possess physical strength superior to mine.
That knowledge lingers in the back of my mind and is another reason it feels safer to relish in the female form in a way I wouldn’t consider doing with unknown guys (even though I know that stats show most women suffer violence at the hands of men they know and the idea of ‘stranger danger’ gives us false security/fear).
5. I experience less slut-shaming — from myself.
Sex with a man I’ve just met at a party seems slutty, and although I embrace that label externally, some residual internal slut-shaming stops me from jumping on guys I’ve just met. I hate that it’s a factor, but I also worry about the feelings of my established male partners and how they’ll react.
I don’t generally have sex with men in front of my male partners — I've had just three MFM threesomes vs countless FFM threesomes — so I’ve twisted a bunch of things together in my head to make the combo of me and other dudes a bad thing that my guys can know about but can’t witness.
I wasn’t conscious of any of the factors above until I sat down and analyzed them.
I only knew that I tended to find myself engulfed in a lovely jumble of lady flesh in social sex situations.
It certainly isn’t any kind of a problem place to be.
It may also be that I am queerer than I think I am, which is something I’ve had inklings of this year.
As much as I love bio-penis, I simply need to have much more of a connection with someone wielding one than I do with those who wield the silicone version.
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Kat Stark is a writer, podcaster, and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. Their first book, Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut is available on Amazon. Keep up with her website On The Wet Coast.
This article was originally published at Life on the Swingset. Reprinted with permission from the author.