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By Katherine Agranovich — Written on Jun 07, 2022
After working with friends and clients over the last few years, helping them achieve their dreams and goals, I’ve arrived at this realization: It’s not the goal (a job, car, or life partner) that we want so much, but the emotional essence this end result will give us.
After all, we are human beings, and the ‘being’ part of us thrives on emotions.
What we truly want are the feelings of freedom, worthiness, satisfaction, and joy. To most of us, evolving into that kind of version of self is the real goal.
Who you want to be vs who society wants you to be
In our fast-moving society, human worthiness is often judged by the social standard of achieved results. And yet, trying to justify our worthiness by impressing or appeasing people in our lives with the sacrificial offering of our achievements is never satisfying.
Instead, it generates a gaping void screaming at us from the depths of our minds, always demanding more. Sometimes it takes years to realize that our designer shoes, zip code, prestigious college degrees, car model, or the number on the scale, though momentarily satisfying, will soon be devoured by the void of dissatisfaction.
To me, and to many of my clients, the journey has evolved into becoming the kind of person who has found a way to fill the ravenous void within with a sense of genuine and long-lasting satisfaction.
Break away from expectations and external pressure
Healthy self-esteem implies an internal sense of worthiness, an unconditional state of congruence and stability that exists within each of us. It’s something we are all born with; it’s like we’ve been micro-chipped up in the heavens with the essence of our humanity. No justification or validation is needed.
In a way, we have nothing to prove, since we already are.
Once upon a time, as children, we may have relied on our parents or teachers for approval to justify our worthiness. In reality, we are the only person who we need to satisfy.
This understanding can fill the void created in the immature child whose mind is impressed by societal standards. When that void is filled, it unleashes a sense of freedom to choose what we want to do in life and who we want to be.
Life ceases to be about pleasing others, but about satisfying ourselves.
Do things that satisfy you, just for you
If I want to lose weight, then I will. Not to prove or justify anything to anyone, but because I prefer being slender. I just like it this way.
If I want to volunteer at a pet shelter, I don't do it to look good for others and get their approval, but because it is deeply satisfying to me.
As children, we could not see this distinction. We didn’t have this awareness then, but as adults, we have the maturity to claim control over our thinking. Our mental development allows us to become the person we’ve always wanted to be, and life suddenly becomes lighter.
Life becomes what it was meant to be, a playground of self-exploration and self-reflection.
Discover the fundamental truths of your identity
There are a few critical truths that many of us know logically or have heard but failed to truly internalize.
I am already worthy. I was born this way. I have nothing to prove, and I don’t need anyone's approval.
I am the only one who can truly approve of myself because no one knows me the way I know myself. No one truly 'gets' me, because no one thinks or feels for me.
I choose self-love, assurance, and acknowledgment because I am worthy.
Prepare yourself for a bumpy and unique road
Self-work is an ongoing process that is seldom easy. That's because feeling confident and worthy is not a well-established habit for most of us. After all, as humans, we are habitual beings.
Being an adult grants us the power and freedom to choose which habits we want to host and which ones to let go of, but inner work is the work of our lifetime. It is also most rewarding, leading to a true sense of joy and satisfaction.
This mindset of confidence opens doors to numerous possibilities. Life seems to respond favorably when you favor yourself.
And isn’t that the kind of person you’ve always wanted to be?
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Katherine Agranovich, Ph.D., is a medical hypnotherapist, holistic consultant, and author of Tales of My Large, Loud, Spiritual Family.