Family, Self

The Way To Relating, Part 4: Love Versus Possession

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When we have been raised in this type of quota system we can become possessive of love. We get controlling of those we try to be in loving relationships with. We sit impatiently at love’s table waiting for love to come, so we can capture it and maybe make it stay a little longer by sneaking up on it and not letting it out of our sight. We haven’t experienced love to be a consistent emotional experience, so we look to other people to be our love-givers. In doing this, we want to own them and determine who and how they should give love, when and where they give love, and to whom they should express love. We may feel if they express love for someone else that they somehow have given part of our love quota away to that other person. This turns to anger, demands, control, blaming, insecurity and circular fighting. We cannot own another person. People are not possessions.

The purpose of mirroring our babies is to develop in them an unlimited capacity to feel and exist in the emotion of love. When we have love-deficits we are constantly telling people how to love, when to love, how they love wrong, what they need to do to love right, and we begin the score card system. It is equally possessive to be non-sharing of the love you feel because in this instance you are possessive of the emotion of love rather than the person. You will withhold your love based on the goodness or badness of the other. Possessiveness comes in all forms. We give love only if the other ‘deserves’ love. Let me tell you this, everyone deserves love. Not everyone will be the right ‘love’ for you but never mistake that all people deserve love. If you were told in any way that you did not deserve love you are likely to do that same thing to other people. If you did not receive much love as a child you are not likely to receive love as an adult. You may find those who want to give you love to be needy rather than loving.

More songs are written about the loss of love than any other emotion. Cheryl Crow in one of her songs sings “is love the illness and disease the cure.” This is often the experience of love. Love and pain seem to be endlessly intertwined. We cannot control anyone else’s issues with love, how the receive it, perceive it and operate within it. Do they withhold it, over-give it, and are they too needy of it? What if we as partners and individuals could first look at our own issues with how we operate in love, examine what we were taught about love, we could at least begin to see what our holes are and not project them onto the other.

The only way to cure problems in love is to take a close look at what you believe about love, become the kind of love you think you deserve and start to practice that. Instead of looking to the other to meet your love demands you need to take responsibility yourself to be more loving, and loving in the true sense of the word. To be possessive is not loving. It is suffocating, controlling, demanding and love-killing. If you are possessive of the love you think you embody then you will be unavailable, demeaning to the other, continue to humiliate the other and the way they love. This is emotional abuse. To be possessive of this great love you think you possess simply gives you a big ego. Your love is not better than anyone else’s. Love is love. If you think your love is to be guarded and only given for the other person being what you think they should be then I will tell you what you are feeling is not love but possession. Most of us are totally confused when it comes to love and this is the emotion that makes us feel the most empty, abandoned and alone in the world.

Solution: Step back, examine and reflect on how you love, what you do with your love, and how you can become better in your relationship with yourself. There is nothing sexier than a person who is self-assured. When one is self-assured one has a quiet dignity about them. There is no ego, and there is no submission. The only way to be healthy in love is to undo what you were taught about love as a child and become the vision of the loving person that you demand in the other.

Little Life Lesson: If you are not ‘good at love’ study the subject. Remember it is not what you do once in a while that makes the difference, it is consistent action and study that produces true and lasting change. If you ever want to get better at something, do the work, the research and change yourself. To be loving and self-assured is the way of love. Love must come from within you before you can receive it from the other.

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