The Only 3 Actions That 'Guarantee' You Won't Get Divorced, According To A Divorced Woman

We're all pretty insecure about our marriages. It's obvious — not just because marriage inherently requires risk and sacrifice and faith, all of which makes us vulnerable and defensive, but because of the sheer number of "how to prevent divorce" articles that circulate through clicks and shares.

We follow "seven-step formulas for marital bliss" in order to "divorce-proof our marriages." We hold our breath through Divorce Month, past the culturally constructed Seven-Year Itch. We devour other people's mistakes, peeking through their hard-earned perspectives, desperate to absorb their wisdom.

Putting some awareness and effort toward our marriages isn't a bad thing, but if our end goal is to truly divorce-proof our marriage, there are only a few ways to make sure that relationship lasts 'til death do us part.

Here are 3 actions that ensure you won't get divorced

1. Never change or grow in any way

If the two of you could just stay as you are with your compatible perspectives and common goals, and somehow keep this phase from fading into the next, you have a very good shot at staying married forever. Except, that's not how reality works for anyone.

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We change. The person we love at 25 years old isn't the same person we love at 40. And so, all of the checklists and divorce prevention efforts can't predict all the nuanced ways you will change, and all of the nuanced ways your partner will change.

Riding through the seasons, accepting and loving each version of our partners as the years go by, well... that's beautiful. And completely possible.

But that doesn't negate the hard truth: As long as you're evolving and changing, you're at risk of one day looking across the table at a stranger of a person and quietly asking yourself, "Are we good for each other anymore? Is it the most loving choice to stay together, or is the most loving choice to let one another go?"

Because sometimes we grow in different ways, and staying together only inhibits that growth. We're quite judgmental about divorce, labeling it with a big neon "failure" sticker, even though that's not true.

While a long-lasting marriage can be exquisite, equally exquisite is a relationship that comes to its natural conclusion and bids farewell with love and clarity. Holding onto an unhealthy relationship isn't love, whether we made a vow or not.

Photo: Ba Tik / Pexels

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2. Have full control over your partner's mind and heart

A sacred marriage vow doesn't negate the fact that we're marrying an ordinary human.

When we say our vows, we are committing to a flawed, inconsistent human with baggage or trauma or deep-set quirks. A human with his or her own free will to make hurtful, damaging choices.

You can put 100% effort into a marriage, read every article on "how to keep your marriage hot" and every blog post titled "The Best Trick That Saved My Marriage," and still not be able to keep a marriage strong.

Because you, and you alone, cannot save a marriage.

If your partner isn't willing or able to put in some sort of effort, that's that. It takes two to keep a marriage afloat; that responsibility doesn't fall solely on one partner.

So put down that heavy burden and understand that sometimes our partners change in a way we can't accept or hold on to. Sometimes our partners leave. And you can't predict or prevent that.

That doesn't make you a failure; it makes you a human. And guess what? It's perfectly okay.

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3. Don't get divorced, no matter what

If you simply don't get divorced, no matter what, you'll stay married forever. It's as simple as that.

There's something to be said for the "divorce is off the table" approach to marriage. There's evidence that even the most flat-lined relationships can be rejuvenated with stronger connection and understanding than before.

Marriage practically ensures that, at some point, we'll be mucking through dark, muddy times together. And those kinds of struggles can be quite transformational. We grow through suffering and, in the case of marriage, it can bring you closer together and strengthen your bond.

Photo: Katerina Holmes / Pexels

Except, of course, when there's abuse, infidelity, and downright misery — things that are bigger than our "I promise to stay with you forever and ever pinky promise" vow. (It would be nice to live in a world where vows are spiritually binding, but again, we're all human.)

So what's the point here? Is divorce inevitable?

Of course not. But if you're looking for ways to ensure you won't get divorced out of insecurity and fear, as if preventing divorce is the ultimate end goal, take a deep breath. Relax into the uncertainty and the unknown, realizing that the health of a marriage is much more important than the length of it.

Marriage depends on so much more than sheer will, proper research, or even conscientious effort. There are factors outside of our control — and that's okay. That's life. You'll be okay, no matter which direction your story goes.

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Michelle Horton is a freelance writer and social media specialist who founded the website Early Mama. She writes about advocacy, motherhood, divorce, and relationships.