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Celebrity dating and relationship coach Laurel House explains how to deepen connection early on.
By Laurel House — Last updated on Jan 07, 2023
If you’re looking for a long-term relationship, what are the types of conversations you should be having from the start?
From taboo to scary to just plain awkward, there are things to talk about with the person you're dating that ensure a successful future relationship.
The five essential taboo conversation topics to have early on to improve your relationship:
1. Talk about your ex early on
This is a very important and revealing first-date story. I say story because you are going to present it strategically in order to illuminate three specific things about you: where were you, where are you, and where you are going?
The key is to talk about your ex in a confident vulnerable way that isn’t angry, sad, or wistful. Don’t go on and on or it can feel like therapy. And make sure to tell your ex's story in a U-strategy — it is framed in the shape of the letter U.
Start your story in positivity, drop down into vulnerability, and back up into positivity.
Say something about what attracted you to your ex, what your relationship was like, when you noticed that there were problems, what you did to try to fix them, why it eventually ended, and what you did to heal and move on.
2. Share your political beliefs
Non-starters need to be talked about early on in a relationship. Politics may be one of yours. You can’t start something if there is a non-starter issue between you.
If political beliefs and preferences are important to you, you need to address them.
You do not want to waste your time or open your heart to someone who has a belief that you can’t change or ignore.
3. Clarify your 'purpose' and your relationship goals
Do you just want to have fun? Or are you ready for something real?
You date differently depending on your relationship purpose. If you want something real, you have to reveal that.
By saying that you are in a place where you are ready to find a real relationship that could lead to marriage and children, you aren’t saying "I want to marry you", all you are doing is checking that they are on the same relationship trajectory as you are.
4. Discuss whether the person is officially your boyfriend or girlfriend
Everyone dreads this question. But do you know what’s even more dreadful?
Imagine that you’ve been dating someone for several months, you’ve met friends, you’re sleeping together, and you’re starting to refer to her as your girlfriend or boyfriend.
But they, on the other hand, have no idea about this title and is still juggling multiple dates a week with other people.
It’s not necessarily because they're a player or a bad person, it’s simply that you haven’t had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk.
Relationships are about clarity through conversation.
Stop assuming that you’re in a relationship until you have this essential, but often deemed 'taboo' conversation.
Everyone has their own beliefs and expectations when it comes to what threshold determines titled commitment. Clarity and communication are key in order to avoid a misunderstanding.
5. Talk about mistakes and areas of shame
Showing your ugly side is an essential relationship step if you want something real. This is a heart-opening conversation that can immediately deepen and expand your relationship.
When you talk about regrets and mistakes you have made in your past, you’re tapping real emotions and exposing your humanity.
But it’s not just reporting on what you did wrong, it’s about what made you realize it was a mistake, what you learned from it, and how you’re different or more evolved because of it. How you handle conflict and hardships, and how you pull yourself back up from them says a lot about you.
Personally, I want to be with someone who I know that if and when the sh*t hits the fan and life’s natural dramas come up, we can maneuver through and out of it together.
All five of these conversations are often referred to as so taboo that they shouldn't be had until you're well into dating (if at all).
But those old rules of dating secrets are dated and don't build a foundation of authenticity.
Stop wasting your time on people who aren't your type when it comes to relationship longevity. If you're ready for something real, then get real and start talking and asking the right questions — right now.
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Laurel House is an international celebrity dating and relationship coach, a dating coach on E!’s “Famously Single,” and writer who has appeared in Oprah, Vogue, The Washington Post, and 500 other media outlets.