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How to truly be there.
By Mitzi Bockmann — Last updated on Feb 16, 2023
Husbands, do you know how to make your wife feel protected? Have you thought about how to provide the emotional support she seeks in your marriage?
Marriages are complicated — we know this. A husband and wife are bonded by an emotional connection and all of the human complexity that entails.
In many cases, even in a 21st-century, more-enlightened world, wives desire and seek protection from their husbands. (The same could be said of husbands, by the way!)
The world is a scary place, and knowing that you have someone who has your back makes it a little bit less so.
6 ways to make your wife feel safe, secure, and protected.
1. Acknowledge her emotions.
I have a client who is married with four sons. Their house is always chaotic, and that wild atmosphere can wear on everyone’s nerves.
My client’s wife is prone to depression, and often, when things, big or little, go wrong, she bursts into tears and takes to her bed. She wants to be followed to her bedroom and be comforted by her husband.
But what do my client and his boys do? They run for the hills. They tiptoe around the house, remaining silent so as not to disturb her. They pretend like everything is OK. They do everything they can think of doing except follow their wife/mother upstairs to help her process her emotions.
As a result, nothing gets settled, and the men are all held captive by her emotions.
Yes, your wife’s tears are a scary thing — even a confounding thing — but if you try not to be scared of them and offer to help her process them, you will make her feel protected every day.
2. Follow through.
Are you one of those husbands who doesn’t always do what you say you will do? Your intentions are always good, but events get in the way of you being able to follow through.
Do you tell your wife that you will be home at 6 pm, even if you know you won't make it home until 8 pm, because you don’t want to make her mad? Or that you will go to pick out the windows for the house renovation, even though chances are good that you will have to work? Or do you fully intend to stop at the grocery store on the way home, but you just forget?
People don’t follow through for various reasons, not because they don’t love someone enough. Your intentions are not to cause your person to feel hurt or let down. You're human and forget.
Unfortunately, people tend to take it personally that someone doesn’t follow through on a promise. "If you loved me, you would have done this" is the phrase people hear when they haven’t followed through.
So, make sure you do what you say you're going to do. Allow your wife to feel confident that she can rely on you to always be there for her. The sense of certainty this cultivates will make her feel safe.
3. Talk to her and listen when she talks to you.
Have you ever thought, "I don’t need to tell her how I feel about her — she knows?"
Do you take out the garbage faithfully, assuming your wife will know you love her?
If the answer to either question is "yes," maybe think again.
Telling your wife how you feel about her is a key component in making her feel protected daily. She might have a sense of how you feel, but hearing the words out of your mouth lets her know that you have her back, that you care about her enough to tell her, and that she knows that she can count on you to be there for her. Let her know that you're listening to her. When she talks, pay attention and understand what she's saying and feeling.
While you might be inclined to think that you need to "fix" her and her problems to make her feel protected, in reality, all she wants you to do is to listen and let her know that you're there for her.
So, next time your wife opens up to you, sit down and pay attention. Be her sounding board. Hold her hand, empathize with her feelings, and confirm that you hear her, that you're there, and that you always will be.
4. Make time for her.
I know, I know — life is busy. There's work and friends, sports, mother, kids, pets, and chores, and they all take up a lot of time.
That said, while all of those things are important, the most important thing is right in front of you: your wife. Imagine if you didn’t have her. What would you do then?
When your golf game needs some work, you practice more often. If a project at work is particularly challenging, you stay late to get it done right.
So, how come so many husbands don’t put the time into their relationship to keep it a happy one? Spending time with your wife doesn’t mean ignoring the other things in your life, but it does mean making her a priority.
I have a client who plays golf every weekend with his wife’s permission. When he reached out to me, he was feeling some distance from her, and he wasn’t sure why. I suggested he not play golf one Saturday a month and make that a Saturday just for them.
What happened? His wife was thrilled to spend more time with him, and she felt special because she knew that he was giving up time doing something he loved for her. Her emotional distance immediately disappeared, and they have a lot of fun on those Saturdays.
5. Never lie. Never.
Are you honest in your marriage?
I said above that it is important that you always do what you say you're going to do, but it's more than that. For a woman to feel protected, she needs to feel trust. And if you can’t be honest with her, she can never trust you.
So, if you can’t get home for dinner, tell her. If you need to see your mother instead of going out with her friends, don’t make an excuse. Tell her the truth.
If you run up credit card debt or forget to bathe the kids, or need some time on your own, be direct and upfront. Tell her the truth right away. Let her know that she can rely on you, to be honest with her.
(And please, make sure the kids are bathed!)
6. Be a man.
I know. I know. In this day and age men and women are equal. My 26-year-old daughter will kill me for saying this, but, I believe, the truth of the matter is that husbands can make their wives feel protected by just acting like a man.
Men are genetically programmed to be protectors. The species' survival once depended on men protecting their women and children from predators. That instinct is not gone in this 21st-century world.
I'm not saying that you need to brandish your club and knock down anyone who messes with your girl.
But make sure that she knows that you're there for her, to reach the things that she can’t reach, to carry that load that is just too much for her, to hold the door open when her hands are full, and to get rid of that dead mouse carcass the cat dragged in.
Knowing how to make your wife feel safe, secure and protected in your relationship is an admirable goal.
It's the ultimate act of love to care for that special person in your life, and good for you to want to take on the task.
I know that all of this might seem daunting, but I can promise you that, with a bit of practice, you can do these things, and they will make your wife feel loved and protected!
After all, as we all know, a happy wife means a happy household!
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Mitzi Bockmann is a certified life and relationship coach with over 10 years of experience in helping people find happiness in life and love.