Photo: ViDI Studio / Shutterstock
Know yourself first. Then seek your ideal match.
By Foojan Zeine — Last updated on May 28, 2023
Are you tired of going in and out of relationships that don't work for you?
Are you in a marriage that you regret, and think, "If only I could have found my soulmate, I would be happier?"
Do you ever wonder what happened that caused the person who was your soul mate for a couple of years, at the beginning of your marriage, to change?
You are not alone.
There is a reason why so many people are still searching for their soulmate. And there is a reason more than 60 percent of people have divorced, even when people thought they found "the one."
The many demands we place on a soulmate
Modern relationships and marriages are complex entities. They require the soulmate to be the perfect lover, best friend, business partner, money manager, social mate, co-parent, at times each other’s parent, entertainer, and more.
That is a lot to put on one person.
Dr. Harville Hendrix states that your subconscious soulmate is an image of the good, the bad, and the ugly side of your parents that you gravitate toward, in order to complete the unfinished business of the past.
Dr. John Gottman states that the conscious soulmate is the one that creates a safe, friendly, and workable relationship with us.
Debunking the mythical soulmate
The myths tell us that the prince will finally find his soulmate by matching the glass slipper onto the perfect size foot, and Cinderella — against all odds of brutality — will happily ever after be loved, and live in an enchanted castle.
Our parents also told us, as we were growing up, who we should (and should not) be with.
So in our reality, we have a vision (actually, a fantasy) of a soul mate who will have the best characteristics of our parents, would not have any parts of our parents that we don’t like, and will have similarities to what we like about ourselves, won't have any similarity to the parts that we don’t like about ourselves, will possess all the qualities that we want to have but we don’t, will have all the skills to handle all the parts of us that we don’t like about us, will give unconditional love and acceptance toward whatever we do (as our parents should have done), and ultimately loves, adores, and admires us forever and ever.
A tall order, huh?
In order to find out if this is even possible, we first need to start with ourselves. Could we ever fulfill all of the above for someone else?
Here are seven honest questions to ask yourself to truly find your soulmate:
1. What do you think and feel about your soulmate?
Are you clear about your emotions?
2. What are your expectations from your soulmate?
Are they fair and reasonable?
3. How do you see yourself acting toward your soulmate?
Do you think you can be yourself around them?
4. How do you believe your soulmate would think, feel, and act toward you?
And is that how you'd want them to act?
5. Who are you besides your soulmate?
Are you able to retain your sense of individuality?
6. How do you think, feel, and act toward yourself in relation to your soulmate?
Do you see yourself as you really are, or only as you want them to see you?
7. What would you be willing to give and offer up in the relationship?
Love-term love means sacrificing something of yourself for the relationship. Can you do that?
Would you make a good soulmate?
Explore all of the positive and negative thoughts, beliefs, dualities, and emotions brought up by these questions.
Where do all of these beliefs come from? Which of the past beliefs, emotions, and actions do you see as workable and successful and want to keep — and which ones are no longer workable or unrealistic? From those, you can choose to purge and replace them with healthy values and skills.
You may see that you are lacking healthy communication, cooperation, emotional management, financial management, or even healthy sexual skills to keep a healthy relationship going forward.
This is the time to study, learn, and take classes to gain skills that you did not learn from your parents or past relationships.
Remember, you deserve to receive what you put into a relationship. So your search for a soul mate will need to start with you, and what you are able to give.
So, begin thinking, feeling, and behaving as the soulmate that you desire to be, and the one who matches you and appreciates who you are will show up.
Then you can continue to utilize the skills to maintain all those healthy qualities and behaviors, so you can continue being soul mates as long as you both desire.
More for You:
Dr. Foojan Zeine is a psychotherapist, Life & Executive Coach, and the author of Life Reset: The Awareness Integration Path to Create the Life You Want.