How To Uncover And Share Your True Desires


Honor your relationship by getting in touch with your raw, true desires.

"What do you want?" When your partner asks you that question do you know what to say? Do you tell your partner as soon as a desire rises up? Or do you brush it aside because you think it's inappropriate or because you don't want to seem selfish?

Each time we brush aside our desires, we create a story about why we can't have it. This habit creates resentment and disconnection from those around us, which blocks us from having the intimacy we want with our partner.

Many individuals and couples that I work with have a hard time articulating what they want because their desire is stuck in their body. When I first ask them that question, I usually get a blank stare and a "huh?" Women have learned to lock their desire away because they feel it's dangerous and/or inappropriate. Men have learned to hide their desire because when they are forward with it, it can overwhelm women and they risk getting slapped for it. In addition to the above, couples have established a routine that doesn't include sharing and pursuing desire. They've become comfortable with each other and have stopped sharing what turns them on.

Having a deep and intimate sex life occurs inside and outside of the bedroom. Letting your desire out in both places is a key ingredient to sustaining intimacy. It’s not so much about knowing what you want all the time, but allowing yourself to express it when a desire comes up.

Here are three ways to start to tease out your desire both inside and outside of the bedroom:

1. Uncover your desires
Grab a pen and paper and make a list of all the things that you want to do with your partner—write it to him/her. Make your list in the present moment. Keep writing as long as the desires keep arising.

For example:

• I want to kiss more often.
• I want to be teased longer in bed.
• I want to hold your hand in public.
• I want to feel held in your arms when I come home.
• I want to tell you more about my job.

After you've written your list, make some time to share it with your partner. Remember that this isn't a list to tell him what he's not doing, so you can't use it as such. This is a list to help you feel vulnerable and share your desires. These are things that you've been keeping inside that have made you distant. How To Have Slower, More Sensual Sex

You can bring up the conversation by saying something like, "I realized there are some desires I have that I haven't shared with you because I've been afraid of rejection (or insert whatever feeling is true for you.). I'm sharing my desires with you because I want to get closer to you." Be vulnerable and say something that's true for you.

2. Schedule a desire date with your partner
This exercise is for you and your partner to share your desires with each other. Create a space for each other that allows the other person to be seen fully for who he/she is. So often we get locked into our relationship roles that we don't see each other as individuals with our own dreams and desires. You don't have to act on these desires unless you decide to after the exercise is over.

This desire-sharing exercise will only take 10 minutes tops. Have a clock or timer with you to keep time. Sit across from each other comfortably. One person will say "I want your desire" and the other person will speak whatever his/her desire is. Then the person closes the cycle by saying "Thank you. I want your desire." Keep repeating this cycle for 4 minutes. After the 4 minutes is over, switch directions and do the same thing.

This game may seem silly and pointless, but take a chance and trust me. Give it a shot and really drop in to the exercise. Feel your body as you speak your desire and as you hear your partner's desires. Turn down any judging voices that are inside of you and be present in this moment. The desires can be about anything from wanting more money to being tied up in bed. Don't censor yourself or your feelings. Say the taboo desires that you've kept hidden. Go deep into your desire and let yourself be seen. After you each have shared, review your experience with each other in terms of what you felt in your body, what did you learn about your partner and yourself. Be curious about each other without judging.

Quick Example:

You: I want your desire.
Partner: I want to take a trip to Europe.
Thank you. I want your desire.
I want to have a hot makeout with you and your friend.
You: Thank you. I want your desire.

3. Step into the "unthinkable" and identify your raw desire
There are desires that we think we "should" have (a well-paying job, husband/wife, family) and there are desires that are raw and don't follow the norms (multiple partners, ice cream before bed, short skirts at work). Raw desires come from the body, whereas societal desires are constructed from the head based on what's "right." Decoding Female Desire: What Makes Us Tick?

For the rest of this challenge, do one thing everyday that comes from your raw desire. Tap into your body and listen to what it wants and do it in the moment. Throw all caution to the wind and let desire lead you.

Bonus challenge: For the rest of the challenge, live every moment of your life from your true desires.