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When you're ready to put your pain aside.
By Vickie Falcone — Written on Apr 14, 2019
Nothing can prepare you for the emotional devastation that comes when you find out the one you loved, the one you let into your most intimate places, the one you built your life with, has betrayed you.
In the wake of discovering that your spouse has been cheating on you, you're probably reeling from a storm of emotions. You're broken-hearted, grieving, angry, confused, and deeply hurt.
If you’re anything like I was after my husband’s affair, your well-meaning friends may have attempted to comfort you by saying, “Time heals all wounds.” Unfortunately, not only is that not helpful, it’s also not true.
Time — by itself — will not help you learn how to heal your broken heart and get your life back after you catch your spouse cheating.
It’s what you do with the time that determines whether you will heal after the heartbreak of infidelity, or carry these wounds into your future life and relationships. The reality is that “time cements all wounds” ... if you don’t take the essential steps to heal your broken heart after you catch your spouse cheating.
I want you to know that no matter what your specific circumstances or what you're feeling, if you are suffering from the fallout of your cheating spouse's affair and you are ready to learn how to mend your broken heart, there is hope.
Healing from the trauma of betrayal and learning to feel genuinely happy and peaceful is not easy to do, but it is absolutely possible.
I know, because I did it.
And you can, too.
Here are 7 tips on how to heal your broken heart heart after you catch your spouse cheating.
1. See from a different perspective
This is an invitation to look at what's happened in a way that can bring peace of mind and release you from suffering. It might feel radical. It can take some time, intention, and patience to adopt this higher point of view, but the payoff is powerful.
When you become even the tiniest bit willing to look at your situation through the “eyes” of the soul, you start to comprehend “why,” on a deeper level, this betrayal took place.
So, what if, rather than a human with a soul, everyone is a soul having a human experience? From this higher perspective, nothing is random. Everything that happens in your life is custom-designed for your learning and growth. Therefore, challenging events, especially the painful ones, are — from the vantage point of the soul — simply learning opportunities.
Opportunities for what? Opportunities to heal your deepest emotional wounds — the thoughts, beliefs and judgments that have held you back since childhood.
This step requires that you accept that there is a spiritual reason for the betrayal. It requires a belief that the universe/creator is neither random nor unkind, but rather “has your back” at all times.
Marianne Williamson, an author and activist, speaks to this when she writes, “Every relationship, every situation is part of a divinely created and highly specific curriculum for your soul growth.”
If you find the first step to be difficult, that's OK. You don't have to believe it. For now, just be willing to accept the possibility that it might be true. That by itself will be a meaningful step toward releasing your pain and suffering.
2. Feel and move through your feelings
When your partner cheats, many couples began to work with therapists. Talking about feelings is essential to processing them. When you add the power of your body to literally move through the overwhelming feelings, you can really ramp up your healing.
Here’s a simple, body-centered process you can do right now that takes thirty seconds: Take three, deep diaphragmatic breaths. Taking three, deep breaths will help you calm and bring more peace to a stressful situation.
Conscious breathing instantly lowers your heart rate and respiration and diffuses your fight or flight response. When I added body-centered processes like breathing, yoga, and dance (among others), my healing took off.
3. Think better thoughts
Do you know what’s fueling almost all your pain?
Your thoughts.
Feeling better starts when you uncover the negative, inner dialogue that fuels your upset, and re-write the false stories you made up about yourself as a result of being betrayed. Uncovering and updating beliefs about yourself is some of the most transformative work you can do.
By focusing on your thoughts and acknowledging which ones are causing you pain, peace will soon follow.
4. Heal your relationship … with yourself and them
You must you heal the relationship with your partner, whether you stay or go. Why? Because, even if the physical relationship ends, you are going to have a relationship with your partner forever in your mind.
The cumulative thoughts and feelings you have about a person create your inner experience of that person. And whether they are in your life every day, or never to be seen again, you “hold” a space for each person in your thoughts. And these thoughts create your feelings.
Though it can be challenging, you do have the power to change your thoughts. You have a choice about what you will experience every time you think about a particular person. It takes practice, but it is possible.
5. Reclaim your power
No matter how you felt about yourself before the affair, when your lover betrays you, it often feels like your world's been rocked. You've been dropped to your knees and stripped of your power. To fully recover, you need to understand exactly how you gave your power away — before the affair and after — and how to get it back.
When you do this work, your healing takes you beyond recovery to a new level of empowerment.
- People give their power away in relationships when they:
- Invest too much of their time and energy in the relationship and neglect themselves (codependency)
- Don’ speak their truth
- Son’t set boundaries
- Project their own issues onto others
The list of the ways you give your power away (many of them socially approved of) can be long. For this reason, this is some of the most freeing work you can do around the betrayal.
6. Let it go when forgiving seems impossible
I read every book I could find on the topic of forgiveness. Most of them ended up my recycle bin. They didn’t bring the peace of mind I so wanted.
The best way to start is to learn what is driving your un-forgiveness: Your judgments. Releasing these judgments (of yourself and others) becomes essential if you truly want to move beyond the pain of betrayal.
Unlike traditional forgiveness, I recommend you start with self-forgiveness before you consider forgiving another. Being willing to forgive yourself for all the ways you are judging yourself is a powerful first step towards true forgiveness.
7. Find the deeper wound
Yes, being cheated on is exceedingly painful, but I, like many others, experienced unhealthy levels of suffering. It impacted every area of my life for years (my work, my relationships with children, and my health). My big turnaround started when I discovered the “wound behind my wound.”
As is often the case, my husband’s affair had activated an old childhood wound — one that had long been buried. Only when you make your previously obscured hurts conscious do you have any hope of healing them and transcending the pain.
Many of these steps may sound unattainable right now, but, whether or not your relationship survives, you can fully recover from the devastating effects of betrayal and learn how to heal your broken heart. And as a result, you'll be empowered to move on to create a better life.
Getting the right support — from someone who has been where you are, and is where you want to be — can help you ease the pain of infidelity and restore your peace of mind much more quickly that just waiting for time alone to heal you and your broken heart.
Please know this: It is possible.
Vickie Falcone, M.A. is relationship coach, speaker, and author based in Los Angeles, CA, who works with people to help them to turn one of life’s biggest challenges — a partner’s betrayal — into an opportunity for transformation and growth. Connect with her today to schedule your free “Heal from the Affair Breakthrough” session, or visit her website to learn more about her programs.