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Sometimes you know your connection is off, but not why.
By Karen Cherrett
Last updated on Nov 24, 2023
There's an unsettling feeling when your husband isn’t acting the way you expect. Times when the doubt sets in, and you wonder if he’s cheating on you.
There are no obvious signs of cheating. No love letters, no secretive phone calls, and no long unexplained periods away.
You do get the impression he’s not happy, and you’re wondering if he would cheat on you if he isn't already.
Sometimes, there are no clear reasons why men cheat. Yet, there are reasons he has, and he won’t openly talk to you about it.
Here are 5 not-so-obvious reasons why men cheat (that have nothing to do with you).
1. He’s bored of his life
A cheating husband has gotten to the point where he's bored of his life. He may have a job he doesn’t like anymore. Or, he thinks he’s had to give up some of his interests to be with you. He might be sick and tired of the day-to-day routine of living, full stop!
The routine of getting up, going to work, putting the garbage out, feeding the dog, and driving the kids to their interests — he’s sick of it all.
Notice how this has nothing to do with you. It’s his life that he’s unhappy with. And yet, to break the routine, he might chat up with someone he meets on the train or bus on the way home.
2. He’s looking for some form of excitement
If he’s bored, he may think he needs some excitement.
He’ll go and do something different — visit a new place, be with different people, and try something new.
We all know when we are in a new place everything looks exciting, right? The excitement leads to hormonal changes in the body, and away we go.
In this space, he might think he’s not looking for anything, but it will only take a woman to show an interest in him, and he’ll jump.
That’s exciting. He’s fulfilled his fantasy.
3. He’s having an identity crisis
His wanting some excitement may be connected to his having his identity crisis.
Sure, that may have something to do with turning 40, 50, or 60 years old (or it might not). Or, there may have been an event that set off this "crisis".
Maybe he started comparing himself to one of his best mates. Or perhaps he thought back to his ideal life in College, and now he doesn’t measure up.
Again, this is all about him and who he thinks he is, about you. Nothing to do with you.
4. He thinks you’re not giving him what he needs in the relationship
He believes in his story that you’re not giving him what he needs.
Sure, he might have told you there are things you’re not giving him, and he thinks you understood him. But did you? Did you hear what it was, or was he unclear, and you had no idea what he was talking about?
Most men struggle to clearly articulate their wants and desires. Yes, that’s a generalization. But, if he could tell you what he needed in your relationship, maybe this wouldn’t even be an issue.
5. He’s killed off your relationship (in his mind)
You might find he’s already killed off your relationship in his mind, and he hasn’t said anything.
Nothing like having your man tell you that for him, in his mind, your relationship ended five years ago, yet he didn’t say anything.
It happens.
He will stay in the relationship and if the opportunity presents itself, he will jump into an affair. Why wouldn’t he? He doesn’t feel connected to you anymore.
Why do men cheat, exactly?
You might notice that men tend to approach relationships differently than women. But, maybe that's untrue. Maybe they approach them in the same way but other factors are involved, which creates this idea that connecting with someone else intimately is okay.
When there isn’t open dialogue going on in your relationship, your mind creates stories, fantasies, or nightmares about your current situation. This, in turn, leads to other thoughts about your partner and the nature of your relationship. And he may be having these thoughts about you and his relationship with you.
Based on the story he has of you and his relationship with you, he might dive off into a whole fantasy world of what his world looks like.
You can begin to have more open conversations with your cheating spouse.
Share with him how you’re feeling. Ask him how he’s feeling about your relationship.
The more open you are with him, the more likely he will be to fully open up to you, too.
This is also more likely to lead to openness and an opportunity to discuss and negotiate changes in your relationship.
No one-sidedness here. You need to discuss how you can both satisfy the needs you're not getting in your relationship.
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Karen Cherrett is a relationship coach, life coach, and holistic counselor who works with individuals to be clearer in their communication.