It's A Family Affair

Love, Self

Considerations When Choosing to Have An Affair

You’re lonely in a sexless marriage, and so is he.  So, when you meet and sparks fly, it seems mutually beneficial to engage in an affair.  But is it really?  At first, you may experience the passion and the lust that you once had in your relationship, reminding you of your teenage years.  You enjoy spending hours discreetly talking, texting or chatting, wanting to know everything about this new interest in your life.  Then, when it comes time to meet, can you both find the time?  All of a sudden, you realize that his priorities are his family and the wife that never wants to be with him.  You are sloppy seconds.  Secondly, you realize that once again you are having to fight for what you were missing in the first place and craved the most: attention, passion, love and sex.  If and when you do get the chance to have an intimate encounter, what happens afterwards?  Was it a one-night-stand?  Do both of you want to continue the relationship?  Are both of you in it for the same reasons?  His intentions may have been different than yours. 

Before making the choice of whether or not to have an affair with someone who is married, you may want to take the following considerations to heart:

  •  Make Sure You Both Want the Same Type of Relationship – Long-term or short-term relationship?  Boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, FWB (Friends with Benefits) or a one-night-stand?  If you want a long-term monogamous boyfriend, it wouldn’t make sense to waste time developing feelings for someone that only wants a one-night-stand.  Sometimes, even with the best intentions, people change their minds and then you are heart broken.
  • Do Not Make Choices You Cannot Live With – Always consider the worst-case-scenario.  If you fall in love with him and he doesn’t feel the same for you, will you survive a broken heart?  What if one or both spouses discovered the affair?  Are you both willing to take responsibility for your choices no matter what the consequences?
  • Understand That Family Comes First – Especially when young children are involved, most married people will put the needs of the family first before you.  Do not begrudge the person doing this.  It is a sign of good character.  You would not want to be with someone who did not make the needs of their children a priority.  No matter how much he complains about his wife and tells you she is never there for him and doesn’t want to be with him, he will always make her a priority over you.  She is the mother of his children, and until things are settled with his marriage, you will be a second priority.
  • Keep Calm & Carry On – No matter what…don’t blow a fuse.  Be clear about your intentions and needs in the relationship.  No calling his wife and creating a scene.  No stalking.  No chasing.  Should you decide that your needs aren’t being met or that you both aren’t equally committed to the relationship, just move on.  The right person is waiting for you.
  • Can Your Marriage Be Salvaged? – Examine your marriage and why you stay in the relationship if you are truly unhappy.  People stay married for the kids, for financial reasons, for religious reasons and more.  Whatever the reason, make sure you are not “settling” in your life.  Life is very short and meant to be lived.  If you think you can work things out with your spouse, give it your all to make it happen.  If you think you are doing your spouse any favors by staying in an unhappy relationship, guess again.  Everyone deserves love and happiness in their lives.

To learn more about the author, Lora Lucinda Andersen, visit her website:, follow her on twitter: @sexywifecoach or find her on facebook: