You just found out your partner has a secret life, and has been sex chatting with men and women on several web "personals" sites. You feel devastated and alone, and wonder "how in the world am I going to deal with this?" You thought your partnership was amazing; you were proud of the family you had created together. Now, you find out that you've been betrayed, and your partner has a secret double-life. /node/152880 This information penetrates your heart to a much deeper place than you've ever felt before. As you search for more evidence, you indeed find more, and wonder, how could I of missed all of this? All of a sudden, you realize that certain things from the past that didn't make sense at the time are beginning to make sense now. There was that time you were on vacation; your partner disappeared for an hour, and when he returned, he didn't have a satisfactory answer about where he was. You didn't question him further so you could avoid his anger. But now, you realize that all the little situations that didn't make sense at the time could have been clues of his infidelity . You trusted your partner and now, you can't comprehend a betrayal of this magnitude. You are in shock. /node/118879 What should you expect? The beginning of this journey can be torturous. It is filled with ups and downs, and it feels like being on an emotional rollercoaster. It is akin to losing a loved one. In a way, this is a death: the death of the relationship as you perceived it, and you will go through a grieving process. This process happens in several stages. Let's look at the Kubler-Ross Model of grief stages: More advice about cheating from YourTango: /node/58432 /node/42946 /node/60800 Phase 1: Denial. Denial is usually only a temporary defense. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of the betrayal and the facts surrounding it. Denial can be a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation Phase 2: Anger. Once in the second stage, you will recognize that the denial can't continue. Because of anger, you may be feeling out of control and not like yourself. Many betrayed partners can feel "murderous rage" towards their betrayer. Phase 3: Bargaining. The third stage involves the hope that you can somehow postpone the death of the relationship, such as, "I had a perfect marriage and perfect family. Phase 4: Depression. During the fourth stage, you begin to understand the certainty of death to the old relationship. Because of this, you spend much of the time crying and grieving. Feeling sad and depressed is part of the healing process, and shows that you have begun to accept the betrayal as reality. Phase 5: Acceptance. In this last stage, you will come to terms with the betrayal. This stage varies according to the person's situation. You realize that your life will go on, and you can make the best of it for your well-being. How should you cope? Here are some steps to take to help you navigate the grief process as you recover from the betrayal: 1. Stop searching for more facts of the betrayal. If you are feeling hurt, the evidence you already have is enough. Be kind to yourself and stop searching for more evidence. 2. Write about your feelings daily. You need a way to process your feelings; keeping a journal is an excellent way to do this. Let words just flow out without editing them on the page. If you don't want any evidence of your feelings, you can burn the journal pages after you write them. 3. Take time for yourself to process what has happened to you. Many people will distract themselves by staying very busy because they are trying to avoid their feelings. Let yourself grieve for your own well-being. If you don't take the time, your feelings will catch up to you, only postponing your acceptance of your partner's infidelity. 4. Gain support for yourself by talking to trusted friends and family. Share your experience with people who will validate your feelings, and try to avoid people who give advice or want to "fix it" for you. 5. Set appropriate physical and emotional boundaries with your partner so you feel safer. 6. Go to a 12-step program meeting such as COSA , a meeting for partners of sex addicts. 7. Seek professional help from a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). Most therapists have limited training to deal with this issue. Is there hope for the future? You are not alone; there is hope. Many people have walked down this pathway, and as they begin to heal, they are grateful for the betrayal. They identify the discovery of the betrayal as the time when they "woke up" and started healing. Their lives are so much more fulfilling having gone through this kind of process. They get to define who they are, and who they want to share their life with. Some choose to stay with their partner, while others chose to leave. Either way, it is a journey that can lead to a richer, more abundant life. Contact me if you would like more information, or would like to meet. /node/56233
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