Love

6 Ways To Feel Secure As A Couple

6 Ways To Feel Secure As A Couple [EXPERT]

Have you ever been frustrated with your partner? Maybe you long for him to say "I love you" unprompted, but it never happens. You wonder how long you can continue loving him without your need to feel loved and appreciated being met. You have tried to talk to him about your needs in the past and have learned he will get angry and turn things around on you. You end up feeling worse than before you talked to him. 

Somehow he convinces you that you are unworthy of being loved because you nag him all the time. If this sounds familiar, you may be in an insecure relationship

Insecure people tend to externalize and blame those around them for their insecure feelings.You may feel angry he doesn't meet your needs, and want to get back at him, or blame yourself into depression. He may feel his own insecurity and be taking it out on you. You can move your realtionship to a healthier place by following these six tips.

1. Being a couple is your first priority above individual needs. Each partner needs to make a commitment to the relationship needs ahead of their own individual needs. Insecure couples are focused on meeting their own individual needs. For example; he might get upset if he isn’t having sex as often as he wants. She might be upset that he doesn't spend enough time with her so she doesn't want sex. Her need for emotional closeness is unmet, resulting in his need for sex being unmet, and round and round they go.

If being a couple was their first priority, he would want to spend time being emotionally close to her to meet her need, and she would want to be sexual with him because her need was met and she would want to meet his need. Both would be benefitting from their own giving to the other. Since this couple's needs are being met, they are more secure with each other and more able to meet the other's needs.

2. What you put in is what you get out. Let's think of this an entity and this entity is called your "relationship baby." This "baby" is only as healthy as what you each put into it. If one person puts 100% and the other person is only putting 5% effort into the "baby", the baby is only going to be 5 % healthy. One person will be giving and not receiving anything in the couple-ship. The other person will be receiving and not giving. Do you see the imbalance here?  Ideally, both partners would give 100% effort all the time. Then both would get their needs met, no one is neglected and the couple is emotionally healthy. Life does happen, and there will be times when the giving and receiving are tilted in one direction or another, which is normal.

3.  It takes two to tango. Two people to participate as a couple. If one person doesn't give to the "relationship baby" both partners are affected. If you neglect your partner, you will eventually be causing your own pain. You will use them up, and they will leave you. The only way to get your own needs met consistently is to give your partner love, safety, and security. If one or both persons are abusive emotionally, physically, or spiritually, the health of the "baby" is at risk for harm. Best case scenario is a couple who values personal growth and works on their individual insecurities building self-esteem so they can give to their partner.

4. Be a safe person. Each partner buys into being a safe person for the other. This means that you reflect on your own behavior and ask yourself, "Do I want to be treated the way I am treating my partner?"  Other times an individual with insecurity will treat themselves poorly, and treat other people better than they treat themselves. These insecure people need to ask themselves, "Would I treat my best friend as poorly as I am treating myself?" Then change your thoughts and behaviors to be safer for yourself and others. As your insecurity wanes, you become more secure and more able to give to your "baby."

5. Have personal integrity. Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Insecure individuals tend to do things to appease others, or to gain approval from others. You may say you will bring a salad to the potluck even though you have no intention of following through. You try to avoid conflict but only delay it. Try instead to say "no" when you don't intend to do something or yes when you will do it. You will be building your own approval of yourself by developing your personal integrity.

6. Schedule time together. Everyone is busy especially if you are balancing work and family. Learn from your insecurities and deepen your emotional connection with your spouse. Couples who do not make time for one another tend to be more insecure. To build security into your relationship, make time to touch base with each other daily and go out on dates regularly. Other examples, can be to text each other through out the work day to keep in touch. Ask your partner how they like to connect and what works best for your relationship.

Couples who follow the tips above are prone to develop a deep sense of happiness and satisfaction. They are stable and proactive in personal growth. If you would like personal assistance with the tips above, feel free to contact me.

Teresa Maples MS LMHC is an author, licensed mental health counselor and life coach from Gig Harbor, Washington. Connect with her for a Journey to Abundant Life.

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