All That You Have Been Told About Parenting Is Wrong!

Mom & Kids

The age old sage advice you hear from Great Aunt Tilly to Grandma Jones is wrong! Do this instead.

I am a parent. I am also adopted. What we hear, read, are told and re-told is "If you want a good family life you must manage your children. Maybe that was good in the days of suppression but it doesn't work. And nor should it. 

If you are inquiring about how to be the best adoptive parent you can be than you need to ask yourself "How is this about me?" In other words, what role am I playing in feeling inadequate? You are hurt, perhaps even scarred from your own past and because of that, you may tread through life on your tip toes. Or worse yet, angry. All the while repeating the affirmation " Because of them, I am like this" or "I didn't deserve to be treated that way!" and "They have no idea what they've done to me!" 

Sure it's easy to blame, shame and ridicule our parents, or caregivers for their terrible behaviour, lack of empathy and insensitivity, but the reality is, in this moment, this is all about you.

No one can ever dispute what happened. It is real. But... 

How you interpret the discourse is what perpetuates it. The meaning you give to any given situation is the foundation of how your life will play out. With foundations like these in tact, you are assured to do to your children what was done to you. 

"No I won't!!" you say. Well, while that's all good, until you remove the source of your problem, or at the very least, view things with compassion and healing, it will repeat itself. And it shows up in ways that are less than obvious. 

If you are planning to adopt, these are some still waters you are wading in. Adoptive children have their own innate challenges that no one knows about and to add your issues to those challenges, is a recipe for great sadness.

These are some common expectations we lay on our children that keep us unhappy and insecure and damages our kids. Especially adopted children who already have their own inner struggles. 

  • Expecting your children to fulfill your needs will keep you needy.
  • Believing they are your source of identity will keep you insignificant.
  • Trusting your children to make you happy will keep you unhappy.
  • Creating an illusion of a Disney movie will leave you feeling unfulfilled.
  • Demanding conformity robs you of the experience to address hidden issues.

Not to mention what all these things to do your children...

Going into parenting with the wrong expectations will backfire. Parenting in itself is an experience and it should remain as such. It is not a time or reason to gain back control, by having little ones to force your opinion on. It is also not cool to rely on them for your source of inner peace. 

You have a child to experience parenthood, while allowing that little being to be who they are destined to be. Whether you think it is right or not, doesn't matter. I can assure you of this, it doesn't mean the road will go without speed-bumps but it will sure be a much more fun ride. 

Clean up your past before you have babies and then you've got the world at your disposal ;)

Suzanne works with prospective adoptive couples who have unresolved issues surrounding their childhood that will cloud their ability to parent. She helps them to be confident, loving parents to their child, and provide an environment where the child thrives. Reach out to her here for a free 'Confident Loving Parent' breakthrough session. You can also check out her free E-book, 9 (Little Known) Factors That Could Affect Your Adopted Babies Mental Health And What You Can Do To Prevent It.

This article was originally published at SuzieQSolutions. Reprinted with permission from the author.