The Surprising Reason Why You're Miserable in Your Relationship


One powerful way to bring more connection, and joy to your relationship and life.

"What you think about, you bring about." 

This quote from Bob Proctor may not ring true for you. Maybe you've heard about the Law of Attraction and you've even watched movies like, "The Secret," and you still aren't buying it. 

But... we invite you to take a step back and watch your life. Observe what happens in your relationships and pay particular attention to the dominant thoughts you have. Thoughts matter! And even if you're still skeptical, think about it this way: Your thoughts, beliefs, and the corresponding actions you choose to the situations that come up in your life are where you have the most power. 

What you believe and expect about yourself and your partner has everything to do with what you each actually bring to your connection (or lack thereof). So if you tend to walk around thinking about the worst aspects of your mate, you will probably mostly experience just that.

Of course none of us can control the actions or decisions made by another person, especially when there is something about him or her that we want to change.

What all of us CAN do is shift our thoughts and open up to the positive changes that are possibly already in the works and maybe just around the corner. We can be the instigator of bringing more of what we do want (instead of more of what we don't want). 

What you think about is the key!

A mother prepares her child for his first day of elementary school. She takes him in the day before school starts and shows him the lunchroom. She points out the lunch trays, the cafeteria line, and the tables where he will sit.

Next, she tells him to be ready to drop his lunch tray full of food in front of all his classmates. She lets him know that everyone does this and she wants him to be ready when it does.

During that child’s very first week of school, guess what happens? He drops his lunch tray on the floor in the middle of a full room of kids. We don’t know whether he would’ve dropped the tray or not without his mother planting the image of “this always happens” in his head.

We do wonder how different this boy’s first week of school experience might have been without that expectation and without the looming belief that he's inevitably going to do something embarrassing.

How many times do your thoughts about your relationship, your partner, or even yourself focus on the negative or what you don’t want?

Just as the mother only wanted her son to be prepared and avoid embarrassment in the lunchroom, maybe you are trying to prepare yourself for the worst in your relationship. Maybe you believe that it will be somehow easier to bear that way.

It might seem that if you ready yourself for a betrayal from your mate, it will hurt less when it actually happens. Or, maybe you are already unhappy with your relationship and think you're just being “realistic.”

Your marriage really does seem to be “in trouble” in your view.

Believe it or not, all of these “realistic” thoughts and beliefs are contributing to your unhappiness and discontent with the way things are. They're also driving a wedge between you and your partner and possibly sending you faster toward the end you don't want but are preparing yourself for anyway.

There may be plenty of things about your relationship that you’d like to change. And they possibly will change. But change for the better where you and your love are more passionately and closely connected happens easiest when you are in a positive frame of mind.

Focus only on what you want.
No matter how difficult the situation is between you and your partner, focus only on what you want. When you think to yourself that “my marriage is on shaky ground,” notice how that thought feels.

Consciously and positively choose your next thought. For example, shift energy by thinking, “I look forward to feeling great about my relationship.”

Keep your attention on what you want and don’t worry so much about the specifics. Let yourself enjoy creating in your mind the relationship of your dreams.

Take positive steps toward where you want to go.
Once you are feeling better and better about what you want from your love relationship, you can more clearly see the steps to take to get there.

If it seems like your partner criticizes everything you say, acknowledge that and then shift your focus away from feeling bad about yourself or angry toward your mate and then make a decision about what to do from a more empowered place.

The decision may be to ask your partner to communicate differently with you. Making a request for what you want, rather than an accusation, can avoid defensiveness or further tension.

You might also decide to be gentler with yourself and affirm the merits of what you have to say rather than relying on your partner for validation. Either way, you're moving forward feeling improvement.

Stay in touch with your thoughts and how those thoughts feel. When you aren’t satisfied with your life as it is, look to the beliefs you hold.

Choose one area of your relationship and, for 1 month, make it your goal to shift your thoughts around that topic.

Notice any changes at the end of the month. Life and love are meant to be enjoyed. Do whatever you can to turn toward enjoyment!

We've got great ideas-- that you put into action today-- for how to bring more joy, love, and passion to your love relationship or marriage. Check out our free Keep the Spark Alive ebook.

This article was originally published at Keeping the Spark Alive. Reprinted with permission from the author.