Men are pretty unconscious about what makes them attractive. According to most women, it is not their looks that make them attractive, it is who they are and how they produce in the world. So...this married man goes to work and comes home and goes back to work the next day. At work there is a woman. She is single, attractive, smart, capable, speaks his language and someone who has time to pay attention to him. It starts as an innocent flirtation. What goes through his mind is something like "Let's see if I still have it!", so he starts flirting just to see what happens. Not a surprise, she responds by flirting back. This is the beginning of the affair . /node/129992 In his mind he is flattered, he thinks it's fun and exciting, and he knows it's a bit naughty! What could be more harmless? I'm married. I'm safe. I can just have a little fun with this. So it continues. He thinks he can just experiment a little. "Let's see how charming and creative I can be. Let's see if I can get this woman to fall for me." In his mind it is not cheating. He hasn't done anything wrong. In the beginning, he even tells his wife about this woman. He tells her about how smart she is or about some accomplishment; usually what made him notice her in the first place. Wives usually miss the first clues. The thought of the effect of his harmless flirtation on the single woman does not even enter his consciousness. So the harmless flirtation continues. It makes the married man feel good. He is happier at home and everything seems hunky dory. He tells the woman his wife doesn't understand him, she doesn't have time for him, or she just is cruel to him. The other woman then becomes his confidant and starts to believe that he really has no choice in the matter. He needs her because his wife is so...whatever. He now has both a wife and family and a woman on the side. Recognize that this process may take several years and several different women before anything actually happens in the way of an affair. After several years of living a separate life from his wife while they live under the same roof, a married man is ready for a real affair. The reality is that an affair will occur whether it is an emotional, physical or even a cyber-affair. No matter which way it goes, what occurs takes away from the married relationship. /node/58476 Is it true that the woman who gets involved with a married man is looking for attention and affection? Most likely she is not looking for a married man with whom she is plotting to have an affair . There are a few predatory women out there who do just that, but the majority of affairs start out naively. She is likely to have been previously hurt in a relationship. She may or may not know that the man is married. What occurs first is she recognizes that he is paying attention to her. He may just listen to her. It may just be a momentary encounter where their eyes meet and a connection is made. They may be working together on a project and either of them may distinguish themselves in some way. What initially happens is likely to be some sort of chemistry. What happens after that varies, however, it usually follows a pattern. Keep reading... More Juicy Content From YourTango: YourTango Has The Best Breakup And Divorce Advice Is Your Husband Having An Affair? Telltale Signs To Watch For [EXPERT] Cheater Wants To Know: Am I A Bad Person? When the woman discovers that he is married, she will make it clear that she doesn't have relationships with married men. That is the signal for the man to go into conquest mode. He will pursue her possibly for years because he enjoys the chase. She will continue to refuse his advances as long as she can tolerate it or until he catches her at a weak and vulnerable moment. If she has a good relationship in her life, chances are she can outlast him, but if she is single, available or married and unhappy, she will eventually succumb. Why? Because the man is so charming. He is wonderful, he is a knight in shining armor, he is a hero, he is this wonderful dedicated family man who is wonderful with his children and attentive to his wife. So the woman asks herself, "what is she doing?" /node/49884 She continues to say no, and the more she says no, the more aggressive, charming and attentive he gets. This is the ultimate male challenge...to win over a woman who is saying no even though he knows she really is attracted to him. A married man will work harder than any available man to make a woman fall in love with him. He will be more charming, loving, attentive and wonderful than a woman can imagine that any man can be. So what happens next is this woman who finally surrenders to her feelings for this man, asks him to leave his wife for her. The response from him will almost inevitably be one of two, "but I'm married and I'll never leave my wife!" or "Yes, I'll leave my wife, but not yet." (She's not ready, my children are too young, I can't afford it yet, my mother won't approve etc.) Initially the woman will respond with anger. "If you love your wife, what are you doing with me?" Here is the clincher that finally hooks the woman; he is committed to his wife and the woman buys into his honorable dedication to his wife and thinks if only I could have a man who loves me like that. It is at this point in their relationship that the woman's final act of settling may occur. Either she will end it and go off to nurse her broken heart, wondering how he could have been so wonderful and such a heel at the same time, or she will continue the affair and settle for being the other woman in his life. Either way the woman is damaged. The man will go back to his wife who was either completely unaware of the romantic drama or who also chooses to settle by living in denial of his infidelity . Then life goes on. The other woman plays a significant part in the perpetuation of this man's marriage. She makes it tolerable for him to remain in an intolerable situation. She makes it possible for him to remain in a marriage that doesn't satisfy him. That marriage situation can range from boredom to outright contempt, but a man won't leave his marriage until his wife has dismissed him, either consciously or unconsciously. She makes it possible for him to deny that there is anything missing in his relationship with his wife. Therefore, the wife wins, if you can call it winning to stay in a relationship with a cheating man. But what can you do? /node/126969
