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No one wants to be a failure, but it's absolutely necessary to end up deeply in love.
By Keith Dent — Written on Oct 30, 2021
When you think about love and relationships, you never want to consider yourself a failure.
But, in reality, before you can find the one, women will have at least seven relationships, fall in love twice, but also have their hearts broken twice, while men will have eight relationships, and also fall in love and have their hearts broken twice.
So failure is not an option. It's actually inevitable if you want to find the relationship of your dreams. So how can you look at failure in a different way?
Learn how to make a relationship stronger in these 4 ways.
1. Fail quickly!
A person in an ego-centered relationship is usually driven by external factors.
Therefore, they will say and do anything that makes them look good, they'll always try to be right, or do outrageous things to prove their worth in the relationship.
Underneath is a person lacking in confidence and self-love who could ultimately lead to the end of a relationship.
By failing quickly, you can get honest feedback from your partner that helps you realize you aren’t perfect, but still lovable.
2. Fail cheaply.
In other words, ask the right questions or put yourself in a situation with your partner and find out how they handle it when the consequences of that said failure aren’t so damaging.
I’m not advocating picking a fight with your partner just to see how they react, however. Simply ask the tough questions or assess a situation in your relationship that prioritizes what you need to make it work.
For example, let’s say security is a deal-breaker for you. Ask your partner how they made their previous partners feel secure in the past. Or maybe go on a date and forget your wallet.
How they answer the question or how they react to the situation may give you insight into how they would handle things if you were married. If they don’t handle it correctly, the cost to uncouple is much greater than if you were truly committed.
3. Fail publicly.
Saying you’re sorry is admitting to your partner you are guilty and, even in some cases, it absolves your partner from taking responsibility for their part in the conflict.
Openly saying you’re sorry can have a profound effect on your relationship. It can lead to things like:
Allowing your partner to feel safe in knowing you agree that hurtful behavior isn’t ok.
Help re-establish dignity for hurting your partner.
Repair your relationship so your partner can start to feel comfortable and communicate again.
Show your partner that you’re not proud of what you did and won’t repeat the behavior. It also sheds light that you are a person of integrity and not a person that revels in hurting others.
4. Fail forward.
Failing forward in a relationship is about having the right mindset. Instead of turning inward and focusing on the act itself, focus on the process.
You’ve failed in the relationship. Own it, but ask your partner if you can move forward. Don’t let it linger without addressing, because it shows your partner that you don’t really care.
Analyze the one action you took that led to failure. It’s usually that one choice that leads to a series of choices and the ultimate unraveling.
Believe the action is fixable. You may take on the mindset that your failure isn’t fixable, but you can always acquire the skills necessary to make your relationship better.
For example, if you need to communicate better in your relationship, you can take a class or work with a coach. Either way, the action can be fixed if you truly want it.
Seek out someone to shed light on the situation. You can bounce back much quicker from a failure in your relationship if you can speak to someone about it as opposed to keeping it to yourself.
It's time to think about failure differently.
People who are successful didn't make it because they've never failed. They're successful because they have failed and are courageous enough to fail again.
That also means they aren’t exempt from the sting of failure. They probably experience even deeper failure because they are willing to go "all-in" based on their beliefs and convictions.
Shifting the way you view failure and overcoming it in relationships can help you on your journey toward making the best relationship you can. Over time, failure in relationships will come. It’s not about whether it happens, but when.
So why not do it early and often? By shifting your focus away from the act itself to solutions, you can make your relationships stronger.
So the next time your fail in your relationship try and embrace it. See your failures as necessary to learn about your partner and yourself not as optional or avoidable.
If you can do that, it's guaranteed that your current or future relationships will be stronger.
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Keith Dent is a certified relationship coach by The Institute for Professional Empowerment Coaching (IPEC). He has 10 years of experience and is the author of In the Paint — How to Win at the Game of Love. He provides free relationship assessments at info@keithdent.com.