Love, Self

Why To Consider Couples Therapy Before Breaking Up

unhappy man woman couple

She had been given a better understanding of herself and her tendencies and specifically what she could do to improve herself. Her eyes brightened as we talked and she accepted herself for who she was without judgment. I believe that understanding why we are the way we are brings peace to us and this was reflected in her face. The best part was now that she recognized why a particular annoying habit originated she could easily release it and improve all of her relationships.

He was listening to her process, steely himself for when it would be his turn. I asked permission to address him. He nodded his head. His lack of verbal agreement indicated his resistance was high and his defense shields were up. So I asked him if he wanted to know why most of his relationships would probably only last two years and then fall apart.

His facial reaction looked like the kid who just got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. His startled expression quickly changed to bewilderment as he jokingly mentioned that his previous four relationships all lasted only two years and this was number five. He added that his friends teased him that the only thing in common among these relationships was him, so it must be him, yet he didn't know what caused this two-year crisis point.  

Again I asked if he wanted to know what it was that he was doing that caused this reaction from the women he was romancing. I was seeking a verbal yes. He stared at me a moment while he made up his mind. He had just witnessed how direct yet tactful I can be and how I didn't waste his girlfriend's time by getting right now to the issues. Finally, he drew a deep breath and said yes, he'd like to know.

How many years of therapy would he have to have to get to this point, the willingness to see his biggest flaw? I wondered how many years of therapy would it take a licensed professional to arrive at this conclusion? I was grateful that I had figured out how to assess the secrets we hide in our names. Looking at him directly in his eyes I told him that he did not know how to apologize. He had to be right, even when he was wrong. Even when it would cost him his relationship, he did not allow himself to be wrong, he had to be right at all costs.

Initially, a girl will see this trait as a defense mechanism and think that once the man gets to know her, to feel relaxed and comfortable in her presence, he would drop this incessant need to be right. Given time, the female would realize that this trait does not change and is not a defense mechanism. This trait is who he is. No one wants to continually be around a person who cannot admit his mistakes. Once that realization is made, the relationship will start to crumble.

The need to keep the ego fed through always being right is a tough is a need to have. That means that in a disagreement, the other person must always be wrong. Who wants that? Always making your female be wrong diminishes her value. This, in turn, over time will cause him to have critical disregard towards her. Who wants to stay with a person who is always wrong, even though she is not?

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