Real Housewife of New Jersey Melissa Gorga's Love, Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage is one long, elaborate and very public rationalization for her abusive relationship . She's taken behaviors and feelings that she knows are not acceptable and has created what she thinks are logical, rational explanations for them. Who am I to label her marriage as abusive? Well, I’m a survivor of one . I sounded just like her ten years ago. I recognize her reasoning and her desire to convince others that she's happy... because I did the same thing. I could have written this book back when I was in my own dysfunctional marriage. Rationalizing, or telling yourself stories to protect yourself from getting hurt, is a powerful defense mechanism. The more you repeat these things, the more you believe them. In order to make her situation tolerable, Melissa has to tell herself lies like these: 1. Telling Herself It's Okay Makes It Okay. Melissa describes Joe's behavior and many of us would find it appalling. Yet, she quickly follows up with an insistence that she's fine with it. She's rationalized that if it doesn't bother her, it's not a problem. "Joe never wears a wedding band. Joe has really chubby fingers, (he will tell you so, too) and he thinks a ring is the most uncomfortable thing ever. It used to bother me, but now I just tell myself that a wedding band is more of a chick magnet, kind of like a guy walking a cute dog or pushing a stroller." "The idea of sending Joe home by himself while I stay behind partying without him? It's unthinkable. He'd never allow it and I wouldn't want him to." "Sometimes during the make-up sex he says, 'I hate you! Oh, but you feel so good. I hate you. But I love you so much!' I just crack up." 2. Pride — She Doesn't Need Any. Melissa states that pride doesn't belong in a marriage. I think it's more likely that she's lost touch with what it feels like to have any. "In the first couple of years, my pride always seemed to get in the way." "I learned that there is no pride in marriage, and that personal flaws and weaknesses have to be accepted on faith." "You have every right to have pride outside in the workplace, but when you come home, lose the pride." "He tells me, and I comply. Put your pride down." 3. Keeping The Peace At All Costs Makes A Good Marriage. When you live with a husband who is volatile, it's natural to want to avoid setting him off. It's easy to say that you are "choosing" to not react, when in reality, it's a not a choice at all: it's called walking on eggshells, and it's a survival technique. "When I make a correction to Joe, I speak softly…" "Does Joe help? Uh, not on your life! I could hold a grudge that he has never once scoured a lasagne dish, but my philosophy about that is — don't cry over it." "There is simply no point to arguing about something that requires all of five seconds of my time, and next to zero energy." "If someone ripped Joe off that day, he comes home a different person. If he gets one ounce of flack from me, he flips a switch and goes off. I know it's not really about me, so I don’t get riled up. I suppose I could get angry back with him for getting the bulk end of his problems. But then again, that's what a spouse is for." "As soon as I changed my perception about Joe's wants and needs, things immediately improved." Keep reading... For More Advice on Abusive Relationships from YourTango: 5 Signs Of Verbal Abuse In Your Relationship [EXPERT] The Best Relationship Advice On YourTango 10 Signs You're In An Abusive Relationship 4. Sex Is A Medical Emergency For Joe And A Responsibility For Her. I have no words. Does Melissa really believe this? Sex should be an intimate act shared between the two of them; instead it seems to be unpleasurable and a chore for her. "But if we haven't done it for two days and I give him attitude? It could be a huge fight." "If I didn't give it to him once a day, he'd get upset. That's when he told me about his severe poison condition. He described the need to expel his junk like it's a real physical crisis. We all know that Blue Ball Syndrome does not appear in any medical textbooks. But for Joe, not having enough sex is detrimental to his overall health. He genuinely can't function otherwise." "Besides, it's a medical necessity for us to have sex every other day. If we didn't, Joe's unreleased poison would kill him (at least, that's what he tells me…)." 5. Being Italian Explains Everything. I am familiar with this line of thinking. I often said that my ex had an "Irish temper" as way of excusing his sudden violent outbursts. Melissa uses her heritage as her way to explain a variety of things, ranging from excusing his temper to why she is obligated to cook and have sex whether she wants to or not. "If you can't cook and are unwilling to learn, you're not only being disrespectful to your husband, but to the entire Italian tradition that prizes the family meal as sacred." "When he comes home, he wants to be greeted at the door by his wife and kids. He expects a hot meal and a clean house. To him, that's how a wife shows her husband respect. It's how he was raised." "In an Italian marriage, you work hard, play hard, fight hard, and love hard. On the list of the most important things, we put sex one notch below food. Food is life sustaining; sex is marriage sustaining. I never let my husband go hungry." "We left before we finished eating, both of us in a rage. This was the first time I thought, ' Whoa! He's old-school Italian!'" 6. It's Just Joe's Style. I know a lot of women, including myself, who would call Joe's "style" controlling and abusive, and much of Melissa's language raises red flags. "He'd never allow it." "Joe would kill me if I griped about entertaining his family…." "Joe went insane, throwing back his chair, jumping up, screaming at me to get my hands off of that guy." "The kids understand that if they upset me, they upset Joe. 'Don't get Mommy mad, or you'll get me mad,' he says. The kids can't back down fast enough." "He wanted to set a precedent of how he wanted his wife to be. He flexed his muscles. His style was to make corrections and to teach me from the beginning days of our marriage.” "Joe sometimes slips into teacher mode when he explains how he'd like to tweak my behavior." 7. She's Making Her Own Choices Melissa gives examples of times she's made choices to please Joe. I don't think she has made her own choices so much as taken the path of least resistance. "The first interview I went on, I got the job! My own classroom of third graders, I was thrilled. Although Joe was proud of me, he sat me down at the kitchen table and said, 'I want you to follow your dreams and take this job if you really want it. But, what if we want to go on vacation? I don't want to have to ask your boss for permission for you to take days off. Come work at my office with me, so that we can build this business even bigger together.' Joe had a way with words. And I knew he was right. In the end I was fine with not taking the job." "He noticed, of course. And he was NOT happy. 'You look disgusting! You're like one of those freaks from Beverly Hills! What are you doing to yourself? What are you turning into?' He started slamming the plastic tabletop on the high chair (obviously, the baby wasn't in it), and it cracked. Fat lips tell no lies: I hated the look, too. He didn't talk to me for two weeks, about as long as the bruising lasted. When they went back down to normal size, I was relieved, not only for his sake." "In this house, when my check arrives, I hand it to Joe." ...What if Melissa is as blissfully happy as she says? I'm not saying that she isn't, actually. I'm sure she thinks she is. In the work I do with women , I have to help them see the situation through someone else's eyes. How long she can tell herself these stories before her children see through it? Before her friends call her out? Or before her fans see right through her? She may not realize it now, but she is in an abusive marriage, and writing a book that claims she's happy (the proceeds of which likely will go straight to Joe) isn't going to make it all okay. Kimberly Mishkin is Co-Founder and Director of SAS~Support and Solutions for Women™ in New York City.
