Why Most Men Want To Have Sex On The First Date

couple first date

A man may want sex right away, but that doesn't mean you have to give in to his timeline.

Dear Sandy,

I recently started dating again following the death of my husband. I hear conflicting advice regarding men’s expectations on the first date. I am a very youthful looking 68 year-old woman.

I am told I look mid-fifties, but this isn’t the point, just background info.

I grew up in the fifties and sixties with high values. I did not believe in sex on first, or even second, third or fourth dates.

I am now told that men expect sex on the first date, and that I shouldn’t be shocked by that, and it no longer holds the same stigma that it once did. What’s happened to our values? Is it just me?

I’d like to hear what men have to say on this subject. I’d like to know men’s opinions on the "respect’"aspect now that we are "of age". Should I throw "holding myself in high regard’" out the window?

Thank you,

Dear Betty,

I'm sure it's so difficult to lose your husband, and yet you're out there dating again, which is wonderful. I understand your concern about men wanting sex on a first date. This is a subject that comes up quite often in my coaching practice.

I've spoken to men and women about their points of view, and I’ll share them before stating my own opinion on this hot topic.

What Women Think About Sex On The First Date:
Women in my coaching practice come to me because they want wish to gain respect and be cherished by men they date.

They don't want to feel objectified or seen as merely a sex toy.

The women who have slept with a man too soon were often forgotten the next day. "Slam, bam, thank you Ma’am" is still alive and well with some middleaged men. Age doesn't seem to effect how some men behave.

These women go from bliss to devastation in a matter of hours. That feeling of being used, questioning their self-worth—it's not a good position to place yourself in.

However, there are women who want to date casually, and they don’t get emotionally invested after first or second date sex. They know what they want, and they are okay if the sex doesn't lead to emotional intimacy.

What Men Think About Sex On A First Date:
Men have shared with me that they almost always think about sex on a first date. They may not act upon it or say anything to you, but they are either attracted or not. If they’re not attracted, you won’t be asked out again.

If a man shows an attraction to you, he will probably want to sleep with you in the near future.

That doesn’t make men bad. It doesn't mean that they necessarily lack good values. It means that they are...MEN. They are simply acting on their attraction, while women often want more of a commitment before sleeping with a man.

What I Think About Sex On The First Date
I believe that before having sex on the first, second, third or thirtieth date, you have to love and honor yourself first and foremost.

You have to know your relationship standards before you get involved with anyone. What do YOU want? What do YOU need in order to feel good about a relationship?

My general principle is that if you want a serious relaitonship, it's okay to have sex if you know you're ready for an exclusive commitment and have exchanged STD test results. If you want casual sex, do what feels safe and right for you.

A man may want sex right away, but that doesn't mean you have to give in to his timeline.

It's OK to receive physical intimacy in other ways if you like, but if you are looking for true love, you need to provide clarity for your man about what your relationship needs are. If he respects you, he'll respect your needs.

If a guy is moving too fast, don't discount him as a sex-crazed jerk. He's attracted to you, but he may not have the finesse necessary to approach this situation with class.

So, if you like the guy and you're attracted to him, let him know. And then get clear with him about what you need. You take charge of your feelings and needs and tell him something like this:

"Alan, I am very attracted to you and I like you a lot. I wanted you to know that I don't sleep with a man until we’re in an exclusive relationship and have exchanged STD test results. If and when that day comes...it will be amazing! How does that work for you?”

That may sound like an awkward conversation, but it gets easier with time. Most men are grateful when you are straightforward about what will make you happy.

A good guy really wants to make you happy. A grownup man will appreciate a grownup conversation about sex (and everything else).

To conclude, men may want sex, and perhaps they’re more urgent or vocal about it than you’re used to. But unless they try to force you to have sex with them, they are not bad people. They are simply MEN.

Take charge of your love life and your sexual timeline, and a good man will wait until you are ready to sleep with him.



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