The ONE Thing You Need To Do To Find The Man Of Your Dreams


I had a client, who, after a long dry spell, finally met a man she fell hard for. Four or five dates into the new relationship, she came to her coaching session distressed because he hadn’t responded to a text she’d sent several days ago.

She dove into trying to figure out what to do: If I send him another text he’ll think I’m pushy; Or men like their freedom he wouldn’t want me nagging him; Or I can send him something about sailing—he likes sailing—and maybe he’ll get back to me; Or…

I asked her why she was strategizing. Strategizing is trying to get results without being straight about it. It’s a way of hiding out and not taking risks.

“I want him to like me.”

It’s bad coaching to ask a yes/no question. I asked her three:

“Do you want him to like you for who you’re pretending to be?”

“Do you want to have a partner who knows you as your strategies and not as who you are?”

“Would you want a partner who strategizes to make you happy?”

She answered “no” to each.

“What would really like to tell him?” I ask.

“That I like him.”


“But he might not like it, he might think I’m being too pushy—“

“He might.”  

Do you get where I’m going here? If you want to understand men so that you can adapt your behavior to what you think they want—you’re taking a flying leap into phoniness. If you’re into men who are attracted to phonies, you’re doing great. Keep it up.

If you are more nuanced and are hoping that by understanding men you can better weather the vicissitudes of living with a near-alien—well, careful. There’s a danger that you’re hiding behind your (perceived) “understanding” of maleness to avoid wading into the messiness of a relationship.

For example, if he’s doing something that you don’t like and you put up with it because studies published in the American Journal of Male Oddities indicate that 98% of men do exactly what your man is doing…. You’re hiding out, you’re not letting him know who you are, or what’s important to you, or what irks you, or whatever. But critically, you’re avoiding the communicating, risk taking, soul-baring, getting off it, accepting, and forgiving that must be done to make a relationship rich and fulfilling.

Here’s the deal: The men you attract into your life will be attracted to you—not by your understanding of men—but by who you are as a woman. If you strategize; if you twist yourself into knots trying to figure out what he wants so you can give it to him so he’ll like you, you’ll be attracting a man who, like you, isn’t very authentic.

If you’re open, straight, willing to take risks in service of love and connection even when it’s scary, the men who will be interested in you will share similar characteristics. If you’re not attracting those kind of men, look to yourself: where are you not being authentic?

Over the course of your relationship, he’s going to do a lot of things that are going to irritate you, piss you off, outrage you, it’s part of the human dance. Don’t dismiss whatever he’s doing as a guy thing—deal with it. It’s your task to respond to him in a way that meets your needs, respects his, and strengthens the bond between the two of you.

If you want a good man—one who is open, caring, loving, adventurous, wild, and tender—be that kind of woman. Your task is not to understand men; it’s to become a whole, complete, and powerful woman. 

Do your work.

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