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Relationship Help

Love, Heartbreak

After deal­ing with thou­sands of peo­ple and their rela­tion­ships,
it became very obvi­ous to me that the peo­ple who are look­ing for
rela­tion­ship help usu­ally seek it after they have exhausted all the
knowl­edge and tricks they them­selves had up their sleeve. By the time
they start look­ing for rela­tion­ship help, it is often, if not too
late, then at least more dif­fi­cult to get the rela­tion­ship help
that would work than if they had started look­ing at the first signs of

So, what are the sources that peo­ple look for when they need
rela­tion­ship help? As I men­tioned above, they first try to do
what­ever they think would work. Unfor­tu­nately, solu­tions to a
prob­lem can­not be found in the mind of the per­son who cre­ated the
prob­lem in the first place, to para­phrase Albert Ein­stein.
Rela­tion­ship help almost always must come from the out­side. At this
point it must be said that not all that is intended to be
“rela­tion­ship help” is actu­ally help­ful. The rule of the thumb is
that the closer the per­son is to the trou­bled par­tic­i­pants in a
rela­tion­ship, the less mean­ing­ful help they can offer. Our logic
will tell us that the “closer the per­son is to me, like friends and
fam­ily, the more they care about me and the bet­ter advice they will
give me.” Not so. Rela­tion­ship help may eas­ily turn to
rela­tion­ship hell when all the emo­tions of the peo­ple who care
about you con­verge with your own. Rela­tion­ship help can come only
from an unat­tached indi­vid­ual who has no stake in the rela­tion­ship
one way or another.

Rela­tion­ship help is best pro­vided by peo­ple who can see the
sit­u­a­tion clearly and who are neu­tral so that they can read between
the lines and uncover the blind spots, thus cre­at­ing a dif­fer­ent
con­text from which a dif­fer­ent point of view of the sit­u­a­tion can
emerge. Rela­tion­ship help is also best pro­vided by pro­fes­sion­als
in the field and often by older, wise peo­ple. The range of
pro­fes­sion­als who offer rela­tion­ship help is vast. It ranges from
social work­ers, doc­tors, psy­chol­o­gists, psy­chi­a­trists,
coun­selors and coaches. Which one is best for you depends what state
you are in. If you suf­fer from severe depres­sion or a men­tal
dis­or­der, then doc­tors, psy­chol­o­gists and even psy­chi­a­trists
may be for you. If you have a rel­a­tively small prob­lem and you are
men­tally healthy, then a social worker or a coach may be your answer.
Also, it is a good idea to con­sult a social worker first if you
sus­pect a men­tal dis­or­der. From the feed­back I receive,
rela­tion­ship help does not seem to be very fruit­ful if it comes from
mar­riage coun­selors. This is not about coun­selors; the sys­tem is
set up that way. It seems to be out­dated for most sit­u­a­tions. It
pre­sumes that both part­ners want to get rela­tion­ship help when, in
fact, many cou­ples go to coun­selors together just because one
part­ner wants help with their rela­tion­ship but other is resist­ing
it. In other words, one per­son wants to stay in and other one
wants out.

I find, that at this stage a good coach often rec­og­nizes that the
only per­son who can make a dif­fer­ence in a rela­tion­ship is the one
who wants to keep it, the one who seeks help. There­fore, why bother
with a destruc­tive party at all. Focus on and give rela­tion­ship help
to a per­son who is com­mit­ted to the rela­tion­ship, the premise here
being that a) peo­ple REACT to each other and b) no one can change any­one else with­out their consent.

So, if you want to keep the rela­tion­ship, you first need to see
your rela­tion­ship in another con­text by hav­ing insights about what
your part was in the rela­tion­ship break­down. Once you see that, the
point of view about your rela­tion­ship changes and your behav­ior
con­se­quently changes. When your behav­ior changes, your part­ner will
react to THAT changed behav­ior and, voila,
things turn around and a new rela­tion­ship is cre­ated. There­fore, if
you think you may need help with your rela­tion­ship do not waste time
try­ing to fix it your­self because if you knew how, your
rela­tion­ship would not be where it is now.

I sug­gest you check out The Rela­tion­ship Saver first (
. It may be just all you need to get help with your rela­tion­ship. In
case your rela­tion­ship is “just fine, thank you”, you still may want
to read The Game­less Rela­tion­ship ( if you want to have an awe­some one

Good luck!




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