Do women have an agenda?

Love, Heartbreak

Do women have an ulte­rior motive when they start a relationship?

Oh, yes they do! Now, let’s see how this works. I under­stand that
it is a gen­er­al­iza­tion, but we are gen­er­ally either men or women,
so this would apply to all of us to a larger or smaller degree whether
we are aware of it or not.

Every­one knows what a man’s agenda is, at least at the begin­ning
of a “roman­tic” rela­tion­ship. It’s sex, loud and clear. We men of
course will not admit it out loud, but that’s what we dream of when we
encounter a woman we “like”. Women know that as well and they use it,
con­sciously or not, to attract men.  So, now women know what we want,
but are we men aware of what and if women want some­thing from us.
Gen­er­ally speak­ing, yes, unless we get “roman­ti­cally” involved,
i.e., fall in love. At that point we’d like to think that we swept them
off their feet.  In other words, we pre­fer to be blind and have our
ego take over. We like to think that a woman was attracted to us for
who we are, because of our per­son­al­ity, because we are funny,
well-built, macho, smart, intel­li­gent, good look­ing, etc. Usu­ally
noth­ing can be fur­ther from the truth.

Our agenda when we meet a woman we are attracted to is sex; women’s
agenda — whether they know it or not – is a com­mit­ted rela­tion­ship
lead­ing to mar­riage. Women don’t date, only men do. That
all-encompassing motive may have any one of many sub-motives, including:

-    Want­ing to be res­cued from a frus­trat­ing life sit­u­a­tion

-    Want­ing to get away from con­trol­ling par­ents or a dis­sat­is­fy­ing rela­tion­ship with a man.

-    Want­ing to be taken care of, finan­cially and/or emo­tion­ally,
specif­i­cally, want­ing some­one to pro­tect her from the things that
she fears. Those may include being alone and being respon­si­ble for
her­self, mak­ing deci­sions, deal­ing with money mat­ters, or deal­ing
with the every­day stresses and con­flicts of life.

-    Want­ing to be val­i­dated as lov­able and attrac­tive.

-    Want­ing a baby.

Just as a man trans­forms a woman into an object when it comes to
his dreams about sex, so does a woman uncon­sciously trans­form the man
into an object. She is attracted to him for his poten­tial func­tion in
her life, a motive she will deny because she wants to believe that her
motive is pure love. Her denial is no dif­fer­ent from a man’s denial
when he says, “I really do love you. I’m not just after sex.”

In my expe­ri­ence most of the rela­tion­ships that fall apart
started with “love” of this sort: blind­ness or the denial of real
rea­sons and agen­das most likely were at work at the time. Just by
look­ing at how rela­tion­ships started one can pretty much pre­dict
how they will end if there were no per­sonal devel­op­ment work
involved i.e., if the aware­ness level has not been raised and each
per­son came to grips with real­ity. Rela­tion­ships that start with
such infat­u­a­tion usu­ally start dis­in­te­grat­ing as soon as the
orig­i­nal needs and motives for start­ing the rela­tion­ship have been
real­ized. The rea­son for “lov­ing” has dis­si­pated and the man
becomes just another annoy­ing per­son with all his pos­i­tive
char­ac­ter­is­tics which were the orig­i­nal rea­son for enter­ing
into a rela­tion­ship with him turn­ing into faults. His being strong
and tough becomes a bully and insen­si­tive, being suc­cess­ful into
“never spend­ing enough time with the fam­ily”, being funny into always
telling crude jokes, etc. This is not to say that men have no part to
play in these dynamics.

Men are equally respon­si­ble because of their resis­tance to
look­ing at the true nature of the rela­tion­ship in the first place,
along with the need to believe the unbe­liev­able – namely, that they
are irre­sistibly lov­able just for being themselves.

The inher­ent rea­son for such auto­matic behav­ior on both sides is
well explained in The Game­less Rela­tion­ship so I’m not going to
repeat it here. Suf­fice it to say that 15,000 years of liv­ing in
sur­vival mode have cre­ated deep roots in our way of think­ing and
deal­ing with real­i­ties, that we most of the time oper­ate on
auto­matic and rarely stop to smell the roses and attempt to be
authen­tic because being authen­tic, although seem­ingly dan­ger­ous at
times, will not sum­mon a saber tooth tiger to threaten our very life.

Rela­tion­ships that start with a healthy atti­tude and gen­uine love – which is often con­fused with “being IN
love” – have a much bet­ter chance of sur­vival. Maybe there is
some­thing to be said in favor of “arranged” mar­riages, but I’ll leave
that sub­ject for future articles.

Love to all,