Happy is Sexy


When you are truly invested in being yourself you are the sexiest.

Happy is Sexy

What exactly makes someone sexy? Many people will look to the physical for that answer. They will look to see a style, a body type, a hair color, skin type, type of car, home, clothing, level of success etc. At first, all of this is sexy. We view sexy as being an external world characteristic. I agree, first impression and attraction preferences are a part of it, and also necessary—in the beginning.

For so many couples what attracted them to each other in the beginning loses its luster over time. Lets be honest, you look at the same person day after day, they look the same, act the same, smell the same, have sex the same way, dress the same, have the same conversations over and over and it is no longer exciting. Familiarity breeds contempt and/or boredom. Do we become too familiar to our partners over time? Yes!! I would say most of us do. When this happens we become rather like siblings than sexual enticers or seducers. I see many couples who are excited about each other when they are girlfriend/boyfriend, even when they are fiancé’s, but when marriage takes place and they become a legalized “we” it often falls into familiarity, boredom and emptiness.
The “we” becomes a place of bartering, tit-for-tat chatter, and telling the other what to do, how to live, how to be, what to wear, what to eat, how to spend their money and what to think.

Not sexy!

What keeps the ‘sexy’ alive? I can give you one fact. Happy is sexy. If we look to our partner to make us happy that makes us needy. Neediness is not sexy. When we are not married we still consider ourselves separate (by law), but that does do something to the brain. If we have any sense of separateness we are unconsciously more inclined to have a part of us still living for ourselves. Often when we get married we live for the other and want the other to live for us. Big mistake. Then what we have is two unhappy, resentful people blaming the other for not doing ‘their part’ to make us happy. Where is it written that when we get married we stop living for the self and we have to start living for the other?

No one can make us happier than we make ourselves, so why do we hand this precious job to someone else? This does not make sense. To be needy and complaining, or bossy demanding and argumentative is anti-seductive. We become unhappy that our partners are not the perfect versions of the “happy-makers” we think they should be and we show our unhappiness in every way that is ugly. We walk around with Charlie Brown shoulders complaining to friends that he/she no longer makes us happy, we say unkind things, fight over stupid things, and have disagreements over all things. With this kind of turmoil why would anyone want to get in bed with their partners? People who are in conflict do not want to touch each other. Who wants to touch someone they don’t like?

Solution: Happy is sexy. Live your life as if you are single while married. This does not entail infidelity. We already know another cannot make us happier then we can make ourselves. So, if you were to be the star in your own life and your life options were limitless what would that life look like? To pursue your individual path and follow your unique convictions, seeing them as unique to you, how different would you be? What if we allowed our partner to be fee to follow their own convictions? So many of us think our way of life is the THE WAY, and we try to change, mold and force our partner to get on “our path”. I have news for you. Each of us has our own unique way through life. Each of us has a unique self to celebrate and express in the world.

Let me share a secret, the more interesting you become in your individuality, the more seductive you become. You have something new of yourself to offer each day. You will find conversations become more interesting, sex becomes more intimate, and you become an ‘other’ to your partner. Happiness is a byproduct of achieving. If you are out achieving in your own world, your partner is out achieving in their own world, these two people come home fulfilled and energized. Imagine the interesting, sexy interactions that could come from that. I say INDIVIDUALIZE!! You know you better than anyone else knows you. Take advantage of that knowing and get busy in your life living the highest version of who you are. This makes you a bit unpredictable and exiting to the other. To be unpredictable is sexy because it breaks the ‘too familiar’ pattern.

We are placed on this planet to be responsible for our own happiness. I think it is the task all of us have to achieve. Great marriages are had by those who have individual lives that are fulfilling. This creates so much to share. New sex is great; you have a new body, a new person and no boredom. The challenge is to make yourself anew each day. Something great or at least something positive happens each day. Live in the moments of those happiness’s and share them with your partner.

There should a nice flow of your personal subjective world and your partner’s personal subjective world. The space between you that you create together is the ‘intersubjectivity’. If you are embraced in your differentiated subjective world and your partner is embraced in theirs, what a great intersubjectivity you will have. Even when you have bad days, these days can still make you more interesting to your partner because you are in control of yourself. Your partner believes you have the ability to get yourself out of whatever mess you are in. How sexy is that? When you are in control of your world, you have more to offer. Think how good it feels to help someone who has a firm grip on their own life. You see them as efficient and intelligent, so when you get to help someone like this it makes you feel efficient and intelligent. Intelligence is sexy.

When we are happy everything about the way we move through the world changes. We walk slowly and unhurriedly, we take our time in life, we are not stomping around, rushing from place to place, with our heads down, shoulders for earrings and a hard earned scowl of our faces. Rather, we hold our chests up and have a slightly lifted chin so the throat center is open for the world and ready to share when invited. Our whole essence is more poetic, like we have been breathed upon by something magical. We find that we receive compliments in the public world, we are being noticed by others, and believe me it is not because of how good looking you are. It is your essence that people are picking up on. Emotions are energy and whatever emotion we are in determines how the world picks up on our frequency. The way to happiness is through achievement.

Little life message: You know you better than anyone else. Always make happiness your responsibility. Live your individualized self!