Are you too eager?


I am in a vicious dating cycle. The scenario is the same. I will meet a guy, we will talk back and forth for a few days, where he seems excited and interested in a relationship. We will go out on a first date. Then he does something that makes me question if he has lost interest/or that he doesn't like me. Maybe he doesn't call one day after sleeping with me, or he doesn't send as many texts as before, or when I threaten to break up or stop talking to him it doesn't seem to bother him. Basically, something will happen, that makes me question his desire for me. Then I blow up. I get angry. Then the guy will respond that he doesn't think it will work. Instead of apologizing or trying to be understanding, they will have their minds made up over one instance of me getting upset and threaten for me to never call them again or they will get a restraining order on me. I am so confused. Why am I not meeting men who work for my affection? Who prove themselves? It is so degrading for a man to put an order on a woman!

To be honest, the problem here, I think, lies within yourself. Something that struck me right away is that you tend to sleep with someone after the first date. This is exactly the wrong thing to do if you actually like someone and want to continue seeing them. Unfortunately, there is quite a double standard when it comes to sleeping together too soon. While it is socially acceptable, and usually expected for a man to want to sleep with a woman right away, the man in this case will view the woman as easy, and therefore will usually lose all respect for her. You don’t want to give it all up too soon, and men like a challenge. No one can tell you when the right time to sleep with someone is, but you can rest assured that it’s completely inappropriate after only one or two dates.

Another thing that sticks out here is the fact that you lash out if your date doesn’t contact you as much as you’d like. After only one date, neither you nor your date has any obligation to contact one another as if you were in a relationship. You may be appearing needy or clingy to these men, and as a result, it’s scaring them off. I always tell my clients to keep the text messaging to a bare minimum during the early stages of dating because it’s impersonal and context can be easily misinterpreted. Instead, I suggest sticking to phone calls to set up dates. However, calling someone over and over again because they haven’t returned your message is the best way to sabotage a budding romance. Keep your cool, and try to be rational and level-headed. If you call your date, give him a day or two to get back to you.

In the same breath, do not threaten to discontinue speaking to him if he doesn’t call you in a certain amount of time. He will most likely never call you back at that point. Try to remember that you are simply dating, and it’s casual, and there are no commitments or exclusivity until both people involved agree on it. A healthy relationship must be two-sided and consensual, and is impossible to form after only a couple of dates.

I can’t stress enough how important it is for you to really analyze these dating scenarios you’ve found yourself in. Instead of blaming the men that you have dates with for not understanding or forgiving your inappropriate anger, I urge you to do some soul searching and find out why exactly you behave this way in the first place. You can’t change anyone else’s behavior, all you can do is change your own, and how you react to others.