Date By Your Own Rules

Date By Your Own Rules

The Urban Myths of dating are a farce. These rules and restrictions placed upon dating are absolutely ridiculous! Everyone should have a DIFFERENT answer to these questions: How long do you wait to call a girl after you get her number? How long do you wait until you “Facebook” the person you started dating? How long do you wait to have sex? How long do you wait to tell someone you have a child? How long do you wait to say, “I love you”?

I'm not a proponent of pyromania. (It’s illegal; not to mention, quite dangerous!) However, torch your Cosmopolitan and Maxim magazines. These publications cause additional confusion to the aforementioned questions. The editorial staffs at Cosmo and Maxim are provocateurs; they can not answer your personalized questions. Their formulaic advice is indicative of the medium: generic statements designed to provoke the masses; and most importantly, sell subscriptions. They are not privy to your circumstances (or mindset). Hence, follow your instincts, date by your own rules.

1996's Swingers is one of the funniest movies about dating. Everyone remembers the scene where Mike repeatedly calls Nikki. (For a refresher, click on this You Tube link - #1. Never place a phone call if it’s going to sound that painful. #2. Whoever invented the “two day” phone call rule is clueless! If you feel compelled, and want to call someone on the cab ride home after a first date, call. Don't wait two days because of a movie, or urban myth. Trust your instincts; call when it feels like the right time. Maybe that is two hours or two days; perhaps you have a hectic week and you call after three days…

To all the guys out there: it may be 2010, but initially, the women are waiting for you to call once you have their number. So if you’re interested, call her in a timely manner; don’t hesitate. And please, do not send a text! To all the ladies out there: if you’re interested in him and he calls, pick up phone. (Games are for children on the playground.) A degree of mystery and intrigue is sexy, but continued inaccessibility is simply rude.

Recently, I had a male client tell me he was disappointed that the girl he was dating wanted to wait more time until they had sex. He said to me, “But Nicole, it’s been three weeks. That’s supposed to be enough time.” I asked him where he heard that statistic, he said through a friend. I told him there is no such thing as a “three week” rule. (I’m shocked his buddy didn’t say three days!) Placing an arbitrary time line on sex is senseless, and stressful. Maybe your time line is three weeks, maybe its three months, or perhaps it is after you’ve fallen in love. Everyone is different; our differences must be respected. We all have different histories, time lines, and beliefs regarding intimacy. Don’t get fixated on numbers and artificial rules; allow the relationship to happen organically. Furthermore, attempting to push someone beyond their state of readiness will backfire. If you truly like someone, let the relationship develop over time. There’s no need to push an agenda; dating is a process, not a race. Remember, if you are not enjoying the process, you’re with the wrong person.

I will open this up to all of you… Playing by your own rules will diffuse the pressures and uncertainties of dating. Agreed?

Date and love boldly,