5 Things To Avoid If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Having An Affair

Before you act, take a deep breath.

By Nicola Beer — Written on Jun 10, 2020

Photo: Getty

5 Things To Avoid If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Having An Affair

It's not an easy thing to think that your partner could be having an affair. Not knowing if you have a cheating spouse can bring with it a host of emotions like jealousy, anger, and sadness.

It may cause extreme anxiety worrying about where they are or what they're doing. You might feel like you're bursting with irritation or fear every time they're on the phone or working late.

You may also feel low about yourself: That you're too fat, small, wrinkly — and this will make you feel even worse.

You may start to not trust anyone if you suspect cheating. You'll definitely be overanalyzing everything your spouse says or does, and this analysis is exhausting and could lead you to take drastic and possibly destructive actions.

But before you get into that, take a breath and step back. You don't want to make a mistake that could haunt you for a long time.

Here are 5 behaviors you need to avoid if you suspect your spouse is having an affair.

1. Don’t keep it all inside.

While it's not good to go off the handle and do something drastic, it's also not good to keep all your emotions bottled up inside when suspecting your husband or wife is cheating on you.

Keeping these thoughts inside can be damaging, and it’s important to talk to someone you can trust to be impartial, non-judgmental, and helpful. This is so you can vocalize how you're feeling and get questioning, doubting, or obsessive thoughts out of your head.

If you stay living in anxiety, your painful thoughts will make you feel like you’re going to explode. It's guaranteed to keep on circling in your head.

Overthinking can also manifest into other things. The process of analyzing and then making up possible reasons can really stress you out and cause mental and physical pain.

If you don’t have someone you can trust to confide in, then write or draw out your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Some find the power of journaling, painting, or drawing very helpful.

2. Don’t ask for advice from friends and family.

If you want to know if you have a cheating husband or wife, don’t look for support from people too close to you or who are scarred by their own experiences. Those closest to you aren't in the position to offer the kind of advice or support you need.

Some family members may tell you to ditch your spouse straight away if you suspect they're cheating, or tell you that they probably are cheating. Others might advise you to hire a private detective or stalk them or to set up a trap to catch them out.

Then there are people who may say affairs and cheating are no big deal, not to worry about it, that he or she is in a relationship with you.

Lastly, there are those poor people who only see the negative and worst-case scenarios in everything. They may want to help, but if they're not going to help you look at things rationally and practically, it may make you feel a lot worse.

Ask yourself why you want to speak with someone about whether your husband or wife is having an affair. Are you looking for your feelings to be validated? Or are you looking for them to tell you they're not cheating, so you can go back to your life before you began suspecting them of cheating?

In either circumstance, you don’t need to hear people telling you what you want to hear, and you probably won’t listen to them anyway. Often, bringing it up can either make you feel like you are crazy or make you more suspicious if they throw more doubts into the mix.

If you're really serious about what you're feeling and think that your partner could be cheating on you, speak to people who are grounded and have an open mind. You need as much realistic advice and support in this situation as possible.

3. Don’t pretend the signs of a cheating husband or wife don’t exist.

Pretending that the signs of cheating aren't real or don’t exist, ignoring what happened, or telling yourself it was just a "one-time thing," isn't the way to handle this situation.

While you're aware of what impact this will have on your relationship ultimately (should it be true), coping with it is not ignoring it

If you do talk to your partner, hopefully they'll be able to reassure you and help you move past the suspicion. If they are cheating, they may decide to open up to you and admit what they've done.

Talking is good if you feel you can have a safe, open space of communication with your partner and want to talk about to help clear up the suspicion.

Remember though: You need to be prepared for any outcome. Your husband or wife may become angry if you accuse them of cheating, or defensive or admit to cheating. Make sure you are prepared, calm, and composed when you speak to them to diffuse arguments.

4. Don’t snoop on your husband or wife.

Snooping often causes more damage than good in relationships. Snooping means going through your partner’s phone, tracking their movements, or even installing video cameras.

It will be tempting to want to check where they are, but when you want to know if your spouse is cheating, it's easy to get obsessed and read too much into things.

Let’s say for example you find a deleted message you may think that is cheating when it’s not, or you may find personal conversations between girlfriends or guy friends and read into their jokes about other men and women.

You may read conversations he or she has had with their best friend or family that they want to be private, and you may find a message with a platonic work colleague asking them for coffee or lunch.

People can become obsessive over tiny bits of information and details. They're never satisfied and end up searching for more. This pattern and isn't good!