What It REALLY Means When She Says, "I'm Just Not That Sexual"

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Why Women Don't Speak Up When It Comes To Sex
Love, Self

Sex and sexual expression are learned. Women must learn to be comfortable enough to express it.

Sex and sexual expression are learned. But, one thing that you will learn is that doing what feels good is inherent and biologically determined. In other words we innately know what feels good based on our biology. But, we must learn to feel comfortable enough to explore and express it.

Women are often conditioned to let the man lead and initiate. Too often, men learn a lot of what they know about sex from watching porn. Unfortunately this is not a true presentation of women or sex. Too often, women let the man take the reins but never speak up when things aren’t moving in the right direction.

Men don’t always know what to do, and women don’t always speak up.

In too many cases, neither gender is ever really taught how or has truly ever learned how to communicate about sex, and chances are neither party is very good at mind reading. A common myth some men have is that they think the women should be able to jump to the occasion, since a vagina doesn’t require arousal in order to participate in intercourse.

Women respond by saying, “I guess I’m just not that sexual.” These men may not be realizing that not only is there no on/off switch but women require a whole slew of other factors to get aroused. And, yes, an aroused woman is way more enjoyable than a non-aroused woman. Men should try it sometimes, and those who have been lucky enough won’t settle for a woman who is not aroused.

Too often I hear women say, “I am just not that sexual,” and it’s generally when they compare themselves to their male partner. Unfortunately, this is often indicative of other underlying issues in the relationship, but the sex may need to be addressed first before peeling back the other layers.

Sex is not divorced from the relationship, even if the concern is truly about the woman’s lack of arousal, it may just be the physical manifestation of something deeper.

Regardless, in order to start the conversation, however, quite often women must first learn to take back and own their sexuality, and stop taking the blame.

Generally speaking, men and women are responsible for their own arousal. No one really knows that, women especially. TV, movies, porn, and romance movies don’t really teach you about you’re sexual relationship with yourself. Even with a flux of sexuality in the media, specifically with porn, there is little by way of suggesting that a true sexual relationship with someone else begins with a true relationship with yourself first.

I’m definitely talking about masturbation and self-love first, communicating what you know about your body to your partner second, and then being comfortable and relaxed so that you can enjoy new sexual experiences third.

Women, it is important to know that there are a whole slew of things you can do to remain sexy, maintain or build sex, romance and excitement in the relationship and it starts with you.

This is up to you. Don’t wait for your partner to do it. Learn to love yourself. Spend quality time with yourself. And, yes, pampering yourself absolutely counts. If you don’t take the time to pamper yourself you might not be able to get in touch with your softer more sensual side, which men don’t naturally always bring out in women.

Some ways to do this might be to take baths, light candles, wear sexy lingerie not just for him, but for yourself, get full body massages to relax and soothe your muscles. And, masturbation is no exception. Including masturbation into a once a week routine (even more if you so desire) can turn your mind back onto all things sexy, namely yourself, and help you uncover the very things, which do turn you on.

Very often women who claim they are “not sexual,” don’t even masturbate. In order to find what you like sexually you need to do a little research, on your own at first. Don’t expect someone to come along, sweep you off your feet and totally arouse you at the same time.

This can happen but it puts a lot of pressure and expectation on the relationship if it doesn’t work, and frankly it dis-empowers you. Besides, we have to teach our partner what turns us on.

(Read: I’m not saying that you need to be more sexual, but if your level of sexual desire is causing you and/or relationship concern this might be a good place to start. Not being or feeling sexual is much often in part to not getting the type of stimulation that arouses or turns you on, either mentally and/or physical.)

Feeling timid and scared around sex is also another reason to feel “unaroused.”

We want to please our partner and we don’t want to make a mistake. Every woman and man is created differently. It does not matter how experienced one might claim to be, a new sexual partner is not created equal to any of your past sexual partners. Sure there may be similarities, but the only way for us to find out how to please our partner sexually is via cues and direct communication.

And, really how can we communicate our needs/wants/desires when we don’t even know what they are. Explore. Read erotic novels (many women are turned by the ongoing flirtations, the compliments, the sexy talk as opposed to anything physical), maybe even watch some porn (if it offends you try a different kind of porn), if you’re adventurous go to a strip club, take a pole dancing class, or try your local adult toy shop.

Hang out with groups where sex is openly discussed. (For example, I’ve noticed that lesbians are often a lot more comfortable with their bodies and open to talking about sex and sexuality.) More and more exposure to sex can help you feel more relaxed about sex, change your attitude about sex and get you more in tune with your own sexuality.

Once this happens you are better equipped to begin the conversation about your relationship, which may on the surface start with sex, but likely has other underlying conditions.

The goal is to become more comfortable with your body.

So do whatever you need to do to get there. If that means eating better, and exercising then do so. If that means masturbating more frequently, then do so. If that means walking around naked, exposing more skin, then so be it. It’s okay to be a little selfish even if it might offend someone. Taking back your freedom of expression is par for the course.

Other conditions might be contributing to your low sexual desire. These may be emotions such as anger, resentment, depression, or things like stress and worry. It may be due to something in the relationship.

This is not a disorder but is more likely just an ebb and flow of your sexuality, which is natural in the end, and speaking with a psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy, or a sex therapist may be the impetus to overcoming it. If it’s a more organic problem such as certain medications or illness you will need to seek the help of a medical doctor.

This is an excerpt from her first book, Marriage, Money and Porn, avaialble on Amazon. Moushum Ghose is a Los Angeles based sex therapist. Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com.

This article was originally published at Good Therapy. Reprinted with permission from the author.