Why Letting Go Of Someone Who Doesn't Love You Back Is So Difficult

After a breakup leaves you with a broken heart.

By Mitzi Bockmann — Written on Apr 06, 2019

Photo: getty

5 Reasons Why Learning How To Get Over Someone You Love Is So Difficult

Why, oh, why does letting go of someone you love — someone who, sadly, doesn’t love you back — hurt so much? Why do we struggle so much to accept that our relationship is over and to just move on?

A few years back, I was in a relationship with a man who didn’t love me anymore. He told me over and over that this was the case and he would even break up with me. But then, we would reconnect for some reason, get back together and start the process all over again.

And then, one day he left ... for good. For someone else. And I was devastated, left picking up the pieces of my broken heart after our breakup and trying to figure out how to let go of the person I loved who didn't love me back.

Relationships are valuable to us and getting over it ending is not easy for anyone, especially when we truly loved the other person.

Looking back, I wondered why this was so. Why couldn’t I just let go after the breakup, and learn how to move on? I think I figured out why.

Here are 5 reasons why learning how to get over someone you love after a breakup is so difficult.

1. You believe that you are soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you share with your man is like none other? That you are soulmates? That the intense passion and connection that you share cannot compare with anyone else’s relationship and that letting it go would be such a waste?

Let me tell you, everyone feels that way about their relationship. I hate to burst your bubble but, while the love you have for this man might be strong, it’s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of it.

I read an anonymous quote once: "I am no expert on love but I am pretty sure that the guy making you cry every day isn’t your soulmate." And it's so true!

As a matter of fact, if you can let go of someone who doesn’t love you, then you are way more likely to find a connection that is real, wonderful, and magical — the kind of connection you long for.

2. You get stuck in the past.

If there is one thing that I hear over and over from clients who are trying to let go of love is that they are clinging to the memory of how it was in the beginning.

Remember the beginning? When you first met and things were wonderful. You couldn’t get enough of each other. You would stay up all night talking, had great sex, and promised each other that you would be together forever.

And then, over a period of time, things started to go wrong and those wonderful things that made you so happy slowly disappear. The reality of the relationship starts to show its face and, instead of seeing it for what it is, many people hold on to what was.

"I wish we could just go back to the way we were in the beginning!"

I hear it all the time. But there is never any going back. Even healthy relationships aren’t the same as they were in the beginning. They just can’t be. The beginning is the beginning and that electricity is just not sustainable, whether it’s in a healthy relationship or an unhealthy one.

So, if you are holding on to how things were, know that how things are is most likely how things will be going forward. Understanding this might give you some clarity that letting go of someone who doesn’t love you might be your best option.

3. You're scared to be alone.

It is the human condition to want to be in a pair and have someone to share one’s life and experiences with. That is the goal.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we are willing to settle for ‘good enough’ when it comes to finding the other half of our twosome. We believe that if we let go of the ‘bird in hand’ that we will never find another man to love. The prospect of putting ourselves out there again so that we can find that person is overwhelmingly daunting. So, we hold onto the one we have now, no matter how bad they are for us.

Let me tell you, from decades of personal and professional experience, that there is always another person out there for us. We might not find them right away but we will never find them if we stay in the relationship that we are in.

So, if you are holding on to this guy who doesn’t love you because you believe that if you let him go, you will always be alone, let me tell you that you won’t! There is a guy out there for you, a guy who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.

4. You have low self-esteem.

Many of my clients who have trouble letting go of someone who doesn’t love them have very low self-esteem. They just don’t believe that they are worthy of being truly loved and, if they do, they have no idea how to go out and find it.

For many of us, getting to the place where our person doesn’t love is back isn’t a quick one. It involves the initial stages of big love and romance and then slowly we slide down to a spot in which we are no longer loved.

On the way we often give up a lot of ourselves trying to make things right and, when they don’t, we are left feeling worthless. And feel like if we are worthless then no one will love us again. And the truth is, if we are feeling worthless, we might not attract the kind of guy we want to attract.

For me, part of letting go of my guy was focusing on my business. I was able to redirect the pain of letting go of the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And feeling good about myself allowed me to let him go and find someone who sees just how awesome I am.

5. We can’t break the pattern.

Patterns play a huge role in our lives. Think about your daily routines and patterns and how off you feel those days that your routines are broken. If you always have breakfast before you head out the door and one day, you just can’t and then you just don’t feel like yourself for the rest of the day.

Now imagine this: When a relationship is new and good we establish patterns and routines with our partners. And those patterns and routines become entrenched in our brains. Breaking them can be nearly impossible.

Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or wonder who you would go to the movies with on Wednesdays? Does worrying about those things, breaking those patterns, paralyze you to the point that letting go of someone who doesn’t love you seems impossible?