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In order to get what you want, you have to know how to ask for it.
By Mitzi Bockmann — Written on Jul 07, 2022
I've built a business around helping people who are struggling with communication skills in their relationships. Unfortunately, business is booming — because knowing how to communicate effectively in relationships can be really, really hard, no matter how many strong and positive personality traits you possess.
And perhaps more than other than for any other reason, I believe a lack of understanding of what assertiveness means, as well as poor training on how to be more assertive with the person you love without being controlling, is the underlying basis of many relationship issues and problems facing most men and women.
What does being assertive mean?
According to the definition offered by Vocabulary.com, "If you are upfront about what you want and bold in devising a plan that helps you get it, you could be described as assertive, meaning you act with authority and confidence ... People who are assertive aren't as aggressive as those who are demanding and pushy, and they can negotiate a little better than those who are insistent."
Many women aren’t naturally assertive. We tend to sit back and follow other people’s lead and be happy enough with the outcome.
Men often lack assertiveness when they want to keep the peace, but in the end, this leaves them unhappy.
Fortunately, many of us have studied assertiveness training to some degree, and more assertive communication is a skill we all can learn.
If you want to know how to be more assertive in relationships yourself, pay attention to people with these 5 dominant personality traits, as they understand the meaning of assertiveness in communication.
1. Self-aware
People who are assertive in relationships are people who know themselves and they know what they want in a relationship.
I know when I was married, I knew I was unhappy but I didn’t know why. When we went to marriage counseling there was always discussion around the nebulous cloud that was my unhappiness but we never attacked it directly because I couldn’t define what it was.
Since I have become more self-aware, I have realized what happiness means to me — to be noticed, to be heard, to be valued, to be seen. When those things happen, I feel loved and I am happy.
If you aren’t self-aware, take some time to develop that personality trait. Take stock of what is important to you in a relationship so that you know what to ask for when the time comes.
2. Self-confident
People who are assertive in relationships know how to ask for what they want, and in order to do that, you have to believe in yourself and in your self-worth.
I know many people who are self-aware, who know what they want in a relationship, but who don’t ask for it because they don’t believe themselves to be worthy. And if you don’t ask, you don’t get.
Taking stock of why you are worthy, in the world and in love, will get you a long way towards being assertive in a relationship and getting you the love that you seek.
3. Articulate
So, let’s say you know what you want and you believe that you are worthy of getting it but you have no freaking idea of how to ask for it.
You are there, sitting across from your person, having a heart to heart and, when the time comes to ask for what you want, you just can’t find the words. And if you don’t have the words to ask for what you want, how are you going to get it?
Are you a good communicator? If you are, great! If you aren’t, find a friend, or a life coach, and have them work with you to find the words to ask for what you want. It’s not as hard as it seems. It’s just a skill that needs to be cultivated like any other.
4. Intuitive
My ex-husband used to say that he would never be able to have an affair because my Spidey-sense would just know. I used to laugh but I know that it’s true. It was hard for him to get away with anything, good or bad because my intuition was usually dead on.
People who have a strong intuition, one that they can count on, are usually excellent at being assertive in relationships. Why? Because people who are intuitive trust their gut. They trust that they know what they want and believe that their instincts around others are dead on.
By having faith in oneself, and one’s perceptions of others, it is easy to speak up and ask for what you want because you truly believe.
If you don’t already, listen when your gut tells you something. If you have a ‘feeling’ that something is off, trust that feeling. Don’t rationalize it away. Speak up!
5. Resolute
Being assertive in relationships is simply impossible without being resolute.
Do you know that person, perhaps you see her in the mirror, who just can’t make up her mind? She knows that she wants something but she can’t quite put her finger on what it is. As a result, when she tries to ask for what she wants she fails because there is no conviction behind her words.
How does one cultivate the personality trait of being resolute? Start small. Choose one thing that is important to you and do it, no matter what. Set your intention and don’t let anything get in your way.
Once you see the power of what happens if you set your mind to something you will want to practice it in all areas of your life.
Being assertive in relationships is a challenge, but one worth meeting.
In this crazy world where relationships are increasingly difficult, we need to identify what it is we want, we need to believe that we are worthy, we need to be able to speak to what those things are, we need to trust our gut and we need to be resolute in making it happen.
Don’t spend your life, and love, allowing things to just happen, hoping for the best. Decide what you want in a relationship and go for it — now!
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Mitzi Bockmann is a Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate whose writing has been published in The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN, and The Good Man Project, among others.