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Breakups are hard, but the pain won't last forever.
By Mitzi Bockmann — Written on Apr 23, 2020
Have you and your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend suddenly ended your relationship? Are you devastated and feeling heartbroken over your breakup?
Maybe you're looking for things to know about how to get over a breakup faster because you just don't know how you'll ever move on to another relationship.
Getting over a breakup is possible. It will be painful, yes — and your recovery might not be as quick as you would like it to be... but you will recover and life will go on, as good, if not better, than before.
There are a lot of important things you can do that are key to getting over a breakup.
Here are 5 important things you must know to get over a breakup — things that might make your recovery just a little bit easier and help you move on from the heartbreak.
1. You're allowed to be sad.
So many people are angry at themselves for being sad about a breakup. In modern times, it’s a weakness to be sad, to cry, to be anything less than strong and self-assured.
Unfortunately, there is nothing worse than a broken heart and I don’t know one person in the history of the world who hasn’t felt pain after a breakup.
Furthermore, it’s okay to be sad for more than a few days.
Have any of your friends told you to suck it up and get over it? Are you beating yourself for still letting this breakup make you so sad? Well, don’t.
Like any traumatic event or illness, getting over a broken heart takes time. Americans absolutely suck at taking their time getting over things. As soon as things are even just a little bit better, you believe that you need to jump up and get back to your life, fully intact. But it just doesn’t work that way.
Let yourself be sad and let yourself be sad for a while. Don’t wallow but recognize your feelings and let them happen. If you stuff them down it will be even harder to get past them.
2. Your thoughts can derail you.
Your very worst enemy, even in the best of times, is your brain. Your brain produces pesky thoughts that can drive you down to your darkest place. And unless you are aware of them, your thoughts can make surviving a break up even more difficult.
One of the most common worries is that your person, your broken person who was making your life miserable, will find someone else and suddenly become perfect. That all of the issues that they struggled with will be magically cured with their new lover.
This just doesn’t happen. People aren’t magically cured when they find love. They might feel like they are cured in the short term but the reality is is that people don’t change unless they do their work.
So, don’t let the thought of your ex now being perfect derail your recovery. Even if you see them looking picture perfect on Instagram, know that they will always be who they are, unless they try to change.
Another thing that derails you is the thought that getting back together is the only way to fix the pain of a breakup. Of course, getting back together will ease your pain for a day or two — but, sooner than later, the pain of the relationship will return and you will be right back where you started.
A third thing that can really mess with your head is believing you're less of a person because of this breakup. That you are a failure and completely unloveable and that you just gave up and should have been stronger.
But really, there were two people in that relationship and if you both weren’t willing to do the work, to give each other what you needed, then it just wasn’t fixable. You couldn’t singlehandedly keep the relationship going.
Pay attention to your thoughts. If nasty ones pop up, push back against them. Question their reality. Don’t let those pesky thoughts derail all of your hard recovery work.
3. Stalking won’t be helpful.
One of the things that can completely derail surviving a breakup is stalking your ex.
When I was younger, the only thing that you could do if a guy broke up with you was to drive around to bars and hangouts and hope that you would see him. Chances were usually slim.
These days, it’s incredibly easy to keep tabs on your ex. Social media is at our fingertips always and the inclination to get a little fix of what you lost can be irresistible.
How do you feel after you stalk your ex? Do you ever feel better? No? Shocking.
Stalking is the worst thing that you can do if you are trying to get over your ex. Recovery gets easier the longer you have no contact with your person and that includes seeing them on social media.
So, resist the urge to snoop. If you have to, unfriend or unfollow your ex. And remember, the person who is posting on Instagram isn’t necessarily sharing a true vision of themselves. How many times have you posted an inspirational quote when you were feeling really bad?
Yeah, me too.
4. Don’t play the victim.
When you are broken-hearted it’s very easy to take on the role of victim.
You feel like your person did you wrong and that they are horrible people and that you didn’t deserve what you got from them. Perhaps you believe that you weren’t at fault and that the breakup was unwarranted. And, perhaps, all of those things are true. You still don’t want to play the victim.
Being a victim means giving up your power. Being a victim allows you to wallow in self-pity and not take responsibility for your actions.
Someone I know asked his wife for a divorce. She didn’t want one and refused to participate in any of the divorce proceedings. She didn’t hire a lawyer, didn’t show up in court, refused to negotiate, and the judge ultimately declared a default divorce decree.
Where did that leave his wife? Sitting in her house, wallowing in her victimhood having taken no active role in deciding her future.
When my husband left me, I stood up for myself, declared myself better off without him, and then took him to the cleaners.
I encourage you to take a good look at yourself and assess your self-pity. Are you feeling like a victim? If you are, get up, look in the mirror, and decide that no one is going to make you feel like less than you are. No one is going to take away your power.
5. Know that you will find love someday.
You likely don't believe you'll ever love or be loved again.
Or that your person was the only one for you and you could never find someone to could love as much as the ex. Or you believe you aren’t worth being loved and how could you ever find someone who could love you?
Even more, the thought of dating again fills you with anxiety and fear. How on earth are you going to do that, especially feeling the way you do right now?
You will find love again. Do you know anyone who has been alone forever? Even if you know someone who has been alone for a while, they haven’t been alone forever. There is someone else out there for them and for you!
So, believe that you will love again. There is someone out there waiting for you to recover from this breakup and when you find each other all of the suffering will have been worth it!
I know that right now you believe that surviving a break up is close to impossible but I promise you it’s not.
If you can keep in mind that it’s OK to be sad, that your thoughts can derail you, that stalking is always a bad idea, that you will be loved again someday, then your road to recovery can be a speedy one.
And, most importantly, don’t play the victim. Don’t let your ex take your power away. Stand up for yourself and remember who you are! Because you are amazing!
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Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live. Contact her for help or send her an email.
This article was originally published at Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with permission from the author.