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Are Your Love Needs Met Or Are You Swept Away By Fantasies?

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Love, Self

I’m talking about settling down—calming down and not over-thinking the whole darn thing.

"What are men to rocks and mountains?"

—Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Love is so much sweeter when we put it into perspective—when we don’t imbue our relationships or lovers with too much responsibility for our own sense of fulfillment, meaning or self-definition. It can be difficult (but perhaps not as difficult as we often think) to let go of how our spouses are not meeting our needs and love them nonetheless.

I’m not talking about martyrdom. I’m talking about self. I’m talking about finding ways to not get so jacked up about our spouses and what they do and don’t do. They may not live up to our fantasy husband or wife, but can we recognize our fantasies have the power to sweep us (and our marriages) away entirely?

I’m also not talking about settling. I’m talking about settling down—calming down and not over-thinking the whole darn thing. The truth is, we can’t help who we love. It’s a given nowadays for us to recognize the ways that we repeat patterns of the past—our own and our family’s and our family’s families. Better to become a student of our own individual family systems—to see what relationships and beliefs and themes shaped us. Then we are in a better position to discover how we ourselves carry on both the good and the bad relationship patterns. Worrying about our spouses' bad behavior thoroughly removes us from discovering and getting a better handle on our own.

 

 

This article was originally published at Helping Couples Grow. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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