Losing Yourself In Relationships Has Its Upsides Too

Couple Fignting

When you are lost, you need to get found. Find yourself!

I went to Costa Rica about two and one-half years ago, with a man I guessed would be my future. The plan was to go for 3 months, write our books, and come back to the US and figure out what to do next. I was to keep an open mind.

I kept an open mind about 3 things that were deal-breakers to me. I even had a psychic tell me that those 3 things really would not be important down the road, keep an open mind….

So, off we went. Even before we left, I started seeing the less attractive person in him. Someone who was angry, sort of like a lost soul. Well, I decided to keep an open mind.

I started making excuses for him, I excused his poor behavior because he was having a hard time, he just went through a divorce and just was not settled yet. But he started being mean to me. He was sarcastic, put me down, etc. Now, I’m not an overly sensitive person (I’m from New Jersey after all!) Yet, I found myself questioning myself, what is wrong with me, why didn’t I see this, what am I doing wrong, why can’t I please him, why isn’t he happy just to be here with me? Somehow, I started blaming myself, questioning myself, not trusting my own judgment. Does this sound familiar?

Our agreement for this trip led me to being financially dependent upon him, which was ok, I had never had that opportunity to have a man support me; as I always earned more than the men I was with. So I was willing to keep an open mind.

Within 2 weeks, I was acting like so many of the abused women I worked with over the last 30 years. What happened to me? How did I lose myself so quickly? When did keeping an open mind translate to losing myself? When he finally told me to “get out” I panicked. What was I suppose to do in a foreign country, with no money and not speaking the language? Thank God he had the courage to end it; I would have drowned in that relationship for sure!

So, what did I do? I realized that the negative language, the verbal abuse, was destroying me. In fact, when he didn’t beat up on me verbally, I took the reigns and did it myself!

Law of Attraction…I felt so bad about myself, that when it was time to move, the first place I looked at was a run-down, mildew and moldy smelling place. OK, I’m a coach, I needed to coach myself, so I changed my attitude and within 2 days of that change, I found a nice, clean, pretty, cheery place that I could afford, with wonderful people all around me!

I remembered who I was before I was taken all the way down.

I forgave him for treating me this way, and saw all the gifts in the situation. I had peace and quiet, new friends, learned to really really love myself, wrote an entire book, Freedom from Abuse: Finding Yourself Again (which of course incorporated some of the experiences I had there in Costa Rica), and even wrote a 28 Day Forgiveness E-mail Class. I am proud to say that I arose from that situation with more confidence than I had before the relationship! Hum.

I could have chosen to feel sorry for myself, give up and go home, but I didn’t. Sometimes the lesson is in making the difficult but empowering decision. And sometimes we don’t get what we plan, but most of the time; we do get what we need. I kept the open mind and embarked on a journey that taught me about myself, my strength, my level of commitment and my courage. I would say I became more spiritually connected to my higher self and the journey I took, back to me, was the gift I needed most.

Lori S. Rubenstein, JD, PCC spent 18 years as a divorce attorney-mediator, however, her passion for helping others led her down the path of divorce, relationship and forgiveness coaching. She is the author of three transformational books and has a special gift of holding sacred space for people to transcend their “stories” and step into a new, more empowering life. Contact Lori now to set up a 15 minute consultation to learn how you can start to mend your own relationship hurts