4 Things You MUST Know About Chemistry (According To A Matchmaker)

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Take it from someone in the biz: good chemistry is a BIG deal when finding love.

One thing is for sure: Everyone in the dating game is looking for that elusive thing called chemistry.

Most singles aren't quite sure how to describe it in words. They'd say its simply that "special something" you feel when you know you're super attracted to someone. People spend years searching for this indescribable feeling.

But after close to 20 years as a professional matchmaker, I'm here to tell you that chemistry is not as mysterious as you might think.

Here are four things I've learned about chemistry over the years that will change how you look at love from this point forward:

1. Your Past Comes Into Play

As it turns out, Freud was right about something! Chemistry is defined by how we first saw love, which for most people goes back to the relationship, or lack of relationship, between their parents. From the time we're small, we notice aspects of our parents' relationship such as whether they argued a lot, got along great, were supportive of each other, didn't speak to each other, were affectionate, etc.. As we grow into adults looking for our own partners, we tend to find people who are either similar or opposite to our parents' way of relationship attractive.

2. Predictions Are Accurate 

Since chemistry is defined by our history, I'm able to predict who my client will find attractive by interviewing them during our first meeting. I ask about each of their parents as individuals and about their parents' relationship with each other.

As a matchmaker, I can predict chemistry. If you take a lesson from me, you can too! It is as easy as learning about a client's own past romantic relationship, what has worked and what hasn't, as well as their current relationship goals. I then take a step back and look for patterns in the answers to these questions. By doing so, I'm able to pinpoint the types of people they feel organic chemistry with and determine whether those relationships have been healthy or problematic. 

3. Chemistry Isn't Everything

Unfortunately, having chemistry doesn't guarantee a successful relationship. While it isn't the only thing to look for in a partner, it's very important that two people find each other attractive. An underlying spark is essential for them to want to continue to get to know each other.

The problem for a lot of people is that their search for ultimate chemistry can hinder them from finding a meaningful and lasting relationship. If your chemistry has consistently led you to individuals who are inappropriate for you in terms of values, lifestyle and relationships goals, you're doomed from the start. Relationships need more than just chemistry to survive.

4. Patterns Aren't Fixed

You can tweak chemistry patterns. To do this, you need to think back to the types of people you've had relationships with in the past. Recall their characteristics and traits, both positive and negative.

Look at these lists side by side. Are there any commonalities? Do you continue to find people who are dishonest and emotionally unavailable attractive? What KIND of people are you attracted to? Figure out where you can tweak your natural chemistry patterns by weeding out the negative and focusing on the positive traits you're attracted to. Making extreme changes is often not as productive as making helpful little tweaks. If you change things just the right amount, you will have more relationship success.

Remember that chemistry patterns don't need to be perfect--just understood. 

For example, looking at my own history, I've always been attracted to emotionally disconnected men. But, fortunately, I also must have a man with loyalty, brilliance and a passion for life, work and love. Because I was also attracted to these more positive qualities that are conducive to a long-term love, I was able to get into a relationship with a quality man and work to make our relationship more connected

Take it from someone who has been married over 12 years-- no matter WHAT happened in your past — you can have your "happily ever after" too!

This article was originally published at Sheknows.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.