facebook

4 Things You MUST Know About Chemistry (According To A Matchmaker)

Photo: getty
4 Things You MUST Know About Chemistry (According To A Pro)
Love

Good chemistry is a BIG deal when finding love.

Everyone in the dating game is looking for that elusive thing called chemistry.

Most singles aren't quite sure how to describe it in words. They'd say its simply feeling that "special something" when you know you're super attracted to someone.

People spend years searching for this indescribable feeling. But, take it from a professional matchmaker: Chemistry is not as mysterious as you might think.

Here are 4 things you need to know about chemistry that will change how you look at love and dating. 

1. Your past comes into play.  

As it turns out, Freud was right about something! Chemistry is defined by how we first saw love, which for most people goes back to the relationship — or lack of relationship — between their parents.

From the time when you were young, you probably notice aspects of your parents' relationship, whether they argued a lot, got along great, were supportive of each other, didn't speak to each other, were affectionate, etc..

As you grow into an adult looking for your own partner, you tend to find people who are either similar or opposite to your parents' way of relationship attractive.

2. Predictions are accurate.

Since chemistry is defined by history, I'm able to predict who my client will find attractive by interviewing them during our first meeting. I ask about each of their parents as individuals and about their parents' relationship with each other.

Look at your past romantic relationships, what has worked and what hasn't, as well as your own current relationship goals. Then, take a step back and look for patterns in the answers to this question. By doing so, you can pinpoint the types of people you feel organic chemistry with and determine whether those relationships have been healthy or problematic. 

3. Chemistry isn't everything.

Unfortunately, having chemistry doesn't guarantee a successful relationship. While it isn't the only thing to look for in a partner, it's very important that two people find each other attractive. An underlying spark is essential for them to want to continue to get to know each other.

The problem for a lot of people is that their search for ultimate chemistry can hinder them from finding a meaningful and lasting relationship. If your chemistry has consistently led you to individuals who are inappropriate for you in terms of values, lifestyle and relationships goals, you're doomed from the start.

Relationships need more than just chemistry to survive.

4. Patterns aren't fixed.

You can tweak chemistry patterns. To do this, you need to think back to the types of people you've had relationships with in the past. Recall their characteristics and traits, both positive and negative.

Look at these lists side by side. Are there any commonalities? Do you continue to find people who are dishonest and emotionally unavailable attractive? What KIND of people are you attracted to?

Figure out where you can tweak your natural chemistry patterns by weeding out the negative and focusing on the positive traits you're attracted to. Making extreme changes is often not as productive as making helpful little tweaks. If you change things just the right amount, you will have more relationship success.

Remember that chemistry patterns don't need to be perfect — just understood. 

For example, looking at my own history, I've always been attracted to emotionally disconnected men. But, fortunately, I must also have a man with loyalty, brilliance, and a passion for life, work, and love. Because I was also attracted to these more positive qualities that are conducive to a long-term love, I was able to get into a relationship with a quality man and work to make our relationship more connected.

Take it from someone who has been married over 12 years —​ no matter WHAT happened in your past — you can have your "happily ever after" too!

Lisa Clampitt is a professional matchmaker and founder of VIP Life.

This article was originally published at Sheknows. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Author
Expert