The X Factor


When you have children, you have to deal with the X factor for a long time. Here are some tips.

The X factor.  We can't live with them, which is why we divorced them, but we still have to deal with them for a long time, especially if we have children with them.  That is literally a lifetime of having contact with someone you might not like and probably don't love anymore.  How do you maintain your sanity while dealing with the X factor?

Although you have memories of good times and bad times and share many things with your X factor, once you are divorced, put those memories away when dealing with the X. You might balk at this, but when you don’t dwell on the good or bad times you can put all emotion aside when discussing kids and divorce issues. You are in the business of raising children together, keep it business.  It is important to be able to talk to your X factor in a way that will not breed even more resentment and anger, from you or from him or her.

It is of utmost importance that you define the relationship you have with the X factor. Are you friends or frenemies? Are you co-parents or custodial parents? Are you mortal enemies or two mortals trying to get along? Once you have defined the type of relationship you will have the X factor, then you can go about implementing it. Is it business or personal? Try to keep it business if you and the X factor do not get along. If you can make it personal then keep it light when you are around them.

Instead of looking at the X factor as a hindrance in your life, which they often are, let’s focus on the good of the X factor. You no longer have to deal with them! If they are remarried, they are someone else’s problem. Their issues are no longer yours to take on and try to solve. If you can look at it from the perspective of freedom from the issues you had, it will be much easier dealing with the X factor.

Maintain complete control on how you deal with the X factor and how you respond to the X factor. If your X factor baits you, do not rise to it. Like a child, when you ignore them, they get tired of baiting you. It isn’t fun to continue to try to hurt someone when there is no response to that hurt. If the best way to deal with them is face to face, then approach them in person and if the best way to deal with them is by email, then never have a conversation with them when they are standing in your front yard. The X factor cannot take away your free will on how you deal with them.

Keep it business when dealing with the X factor. This can not be stressed enough. You are now in the business of raising children with the X factor. You should have no other business with them, unless you own properties or businesses together. If you have a good working relationship, your children will be happier and so will you. If you do not, it just makes life more difficult. Deal with the X factor like that of a business partner and keep all things personal from your conversations, if you want to discuss personal things with someone, call a friend, not the X.

The X factor is a fact of life when you are divorced. How do you deal with the X factor? Do you have any great tips you would like share?