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Compatibility is critical for long-term relationship success.
By Lana Otoya
Last updated on Jan 12, 2024
Have you ever doubted your partner? Just thought to yourself that maybe — just maybe — you might not be a good fit.
Incompatible couples rarely ever go far.
Even if you know in your gut something is off, and maybe you're incompatible with your partner, you might think it's nothing more than "how things are". Whatever you do, don't just "deal with it."
Here are 8 tiny signs you're incompatible with your partner:
1. Your partner doesn't care about any of your needs.
When you're with someone, you want them to want you and care about some of the bigger things in your life. While they might not have the same care as you do about them, they should care that you care about them.
Your needs are vital. Healthy relationships are always a two-way street.
When it comes to intimacy needs, generally, one person wants to be physically intimate more than the other, which can lead to a power shift. The person who doesn't want to be intimate as often will have all the power because they decide how and when all of the intimacy takes place in the relationship.
If you and your partner can't agree on a schedule that meets your and your partner's needs, it's likely a dealbreaker.
While you may be able to get other needs met through friends or hobbies, this is one area of the relationship that cannot be satisfied outside of it — unless the two of you are OK with an open relationship.
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2. You want different things.
One of you wants to travel the world and swim in all the oceans, while the other wants to settle down, raise a family, and get a steady job. This is incompatibility.
You both want different things out of life. If one of you settles for the other, this can lead to resentment, especially with wants as far off from each other as the ones above.
Having a different idea of right or wrong, or what you stand up for and believe, can also cause issues in a relationship.
One of you may want to join the Peace Corps, while the other believes it's a waste of time. This, again, is wanting two different things from the core values.
3. Your partner is a caretaker but rarely a caregiver.
We all want to be wanted and appreciated. If your partner always receives care and affection but never gives it, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
Logic follows that those who are not compatible are not happy. They are unhappy with each other or with the relationship, which can turn into being unhappy with themselves.
4. You handle money differently.
If you have different values about money, the relationship won't go anywhere.
You might love spending money — who doesn’t like buying nice things? But if they're a tight penny pincher, it might be a problem.
You both need to be on the same page.
5. You’re not on the same intellectual level.
It's not fun to always have to explain things to someone. Or even worse, when they get bored with your explanations and have no interest in talking about what you want.
When your intellectual capacities don't line up, it's frustrating. Not only can one person become annoyed with the other, but you might have different ideas of fun, beliefs, or viewpoints on critical topics.
This will cause a lot of strain between the two of you. Holding on like nothing is wrong can then become an even bigger issue.
If you feel many of your conversations end with you being frustrated or feeling like you didn't get your point across, you might be intellectually incompatible.
6. You won’t admit when you’re wrong.
Being stubborn can happen to anyone and is not a big problem by itself. But, if you’re constantly butting heads, this will get very tiring.
Admitting that you're wrong shouldn't feel like a defeat. Being wrong doesn't mean you are lost, it means you're human.
You need to know when you’re wrong and say so. You cannot grow from winning an argument on something that you’re not right about.
If you need to prove you're right all the time, that isn't healthy either. Do you want to be right or in a relationship?
The two of you need to act as one team — the two of you against the problem. Be happy to admit you're wrong and tell them you messed up.
When you're wrong, this should feel like a joyous occasion when you can tell your partner, "I know I made a mistake, and I want to learn to get better with you. Thank you for helping me grow into a better person."
Sounds cheesy? Yup. Easy to do? Nope. A super effective way to stay in a relationship for many years? Definitely!
7. You don’t spend time together.
If you're not spending time together or setting time for date nights, it won't work.
You’re going to be with someone, but you'll feel alone. You shouldn’t feel single when you’re in a relationship.
Overcoming the isolated feeling is to block out a chunk of time to have a date night and spend time together.
However, if you still can’t come together to spend time, it's best to part and go your separate ways. It's harsh, but so is being in a relationship that's not working for years and years.
8. Communication is not a crucial factor.
Communication in any relationship should be a determining factor in how you react and deal with one another.
If you have a healthy relationship, communication should be thought out and open to allow you to work out issues without fighting or getting too heated.
Communication might be challenging, but having any or some is always an ideal way to have a relationship. Make the most of how you speak with each other, and feel confident about working through issues.
You need to find someone who wants to be compatible with you and who you want to be compatible with. This way, you feel confident, comfortable, and fulfilled in the relationship.
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Why is compatibility important?
Relationships are fun at first — and they should be. But if you decide to spend the rest of your life with someone, the relationship turns into an agreement.
This means that the two of you have decided to merge lives and agree to support each other through thick and thin. You need to be compatible with your partner in more ways than simply just "getting along."
Every relationship has dealbreakers that stop it dead in its tracks — no matter how much you love each other.
1. Having this compatibility ensures that the relationship will last.
People change with time, which might make them incompatible down the road. This doesn't mean that they weren’t incompatible at one point.
This connection can be a short-lived one or a long relationship. It depends on the people and their needs as they grow and change.
Compatibility is not something you just have, but it's something you can make happen. It has to be important to you.
2. If you're feeling alone while in a relationship, then it's not something you should feel forever.
If you are incompatible, there is nothing wrong with either of you. You don’t work well together. It wasn't meant to be.
When you look for a partner, keep these compatibility tips in mind. This way, the appreciation and affection are there, so you feel loved and fulfilled in the relationship.
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Lana Otoya is a dating coach for strong, successful women based out of Vancouver, BC.