Ask Kim: “How to stop repeating negative patterns”

Love, Sex

Question: “I seem to only be attracted to emotionally unavailable men who resist commitment.

Question: “I seem to only be attracted to emotionally unavailable men who resist commitment. I date them then break it off because it’s unhealthy. How do I end this repeating pattern? ”
- A.K, Vancouver BC

Answer: Thanks for writing in A.K.! I know it’s SO frustrating to have those pesky patterns you can’t seem to shake on your own. No matter what book you read or advice from friends – nothing seems to work, right?

So let’s dive in and see if we can start to create some movement forward for you…
The best place to start with this is over there with you. What’s so great about how you phrased your question – it looks like you’re already taking responsibility and understand this is your pattern and not the fault of men. Very powerful place to come from!

I often share how women are like a radio frequency. It doesn’t matter how you look or what you say to a man, his antennae will mostly pick up on what’s happening Inside of you and how it FEELS to be around you.

So, if you haven’t healed past hurt and pain from other men, it’s very likely you’ve got some walls up and are in a bit of fear about opening your heart fully to a man.

This is impacting your love life and results you’re getting in 2 ways:

  1. You will attract the exact mirror of your “inner” frequency (not fully available men)
  2. You’re acting out unconscious behaviour that reflects what you have not healed – pushing away available men

As you can see, your current results have a lot to do with your inner world and blind spots – this is why you haven’t been able to shift this pattern on your own – you can’t change what you can’t see, yes?

When I work with clients who want to break a pattern in a live session, I’ll typically walk them through a series of questions to support their healing and releasing the pattern permanently. Obviously this isn’t a live session, so here are 3 great questions to help get the process started for you on your own.

I recommend grabbing a journal and really giving yourself the space and time to answer these questions.


  1. As a child, what did you observe about your parent’s relationship? What did they “teach” you about how men and women relate with each other?
  2. From the observations and insights in question # 1, how are your childhood experiences playing out and impacting your adult love life? Can you make any connections?
  3. Other than your love life, where else does this pattern of people resisting committing to you (or you to them) and “emotionally unavailable” show up? (family, friends etc…)

This will be a powerful first step to support you with gaining clarity and begin to activate releasing your pattern. If you feel like you may need to go deeper and want support with that, another option would be to attend my next Feminine Power Workshop , ok?

Thanks again for writing in A.K. and sending you many, soulmate blessings!

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This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.