Ask Kim: “Am I Too Independent?”


Do men want a woman who can take care of themselves?

Question: Kim, I’ve been told by more than one man “you never let me do anything for you”. I don’t know why this is a problem – I thought men want a woman who can take care of herself? Can you clear this up for me, I really want meet a great guy without compromising myself . ~ Carol M., Vancouver

Answer: Excellent and timely question here, Carol. You’re exasperation is shared by a large and growing demographic of women – many of whom I am currently coaching. It’s practically at epidemic proportions the state of confusion women like you are experiencing in this one area.

You’ve worked hard to earn your position in business and society as a whole. And, like many women, you might think if you let go of anything you’ve worked so hard to achieve, it might slip away for good. I get it!

However, as much as I celebrate all the opportunities women have now – being fiercely independent and not allowing men to do anything for you is the # 1 reason most women remain single today. Yup, TOP, # 1 reason.

Why? Simply put: men thrive and are driven by production. Women who allow men to “do stuff” for them win the guy everytime. Production is the gas that keeps their male engine running. When a guy is with a woman who won’t let him do anything for her, his tank empties and he’ll quickly seek out a woman who IS willing to be produced for.

As I was writing the answer to your question, I thought of some other “must know” tips you might find helpful to support you and many others reading this:

1) Chivalry is not dead, it’s just not REQUIRED anymore

Women are making their own money, buying their own houses AND opening their OWN doors, pulling out their OWN chairs, picking up their OWN tab on dates. As women continue to do this, it trains men to stop practicing their chivalry – and is also sending a the message to men that you don’t need them. If you want a man to romance you, then you have to behave in a way that allows chivalry to come your way.

2) Are YOU willing to be all that you want in a man?

Recently a new client read me a list of 43 requirements she needed to have in a man. Everything from “genuine and caring” to “cook’s dinner” to “determined to make our love and romance last”. I’m in total agreement about having a list of what you want in a man so that you can hold that vision and attract him towards you. What I also have observed is that very few women are willing to give back to a man in equal proportion what they expect from him.

3) Know Your Value

Women “of a certain age” listen up! It’s time to stop lowering the bar. Being in a higher age group is no reason to lower your standards. This is a common trend and belief I’m noticing with many “boomer” women. Believe me, women (at any age) who are getting the good men are all women who clearly laid out how they wanted to be treated right from the get go and never compromised on that.

4) God would not create your soul mate and not allow you to meet him

Single people could certainly use a lesson in patience with the timing on meeting their perfect mate. I’ve always said there is a Divine Timing to everything and that includes when you meet the person you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. If you look back at every life altering encounter, job or person you met over the span of your lifetime, you would see there was a perfect order with how and when it happened.

So Carol, I encourage you to take these points to heart and remember them when your relating with the men in your life.

Letting a man produce for you, demanding as much of yourself as you would in a man, knowing your standards and never settling for less than what you want is not only a guarantee of you becoming a better woman, you just might find your ideal mate showing up on your doorstep.

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This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.