Photo: Kameleon007, martin-dm | Canva
Marriage is the beginning of love, and divorce is the end, But they both still happen because of love.
By Karen Covy
Last updated on Mar 30, 2024
Love and divorce seem like polar opposites. Most people don’t marry someone they hate (unless that someone has a whole lot of money!). And most people don’t divorce someone they love — at least not if that someone still loves them too! So people assume that what love and divorce have in common is, well, nothing! But, is that true? More importantly, is it even possible? Is it possible that love is real and that getting divorced can lead you toward finding true love, rather than losing it? To understand how love affects divorce, you first have to understand how love affects marriage. Most people today marry for love. In the past, however, love was a luxury that few people could afford.
For most of history, people got married and stayed married for economic reasons (two people have always been able to live more cheaply than one). People marry for social reasons (if society determines your place in the world by who you marry, you marry the person with the best pedigree). People also got married for religious or family reasons. In all of those cases, love was irrelevant. Today, people assume marriage is about personal happiness and fulfillment. Sure, some people still marry for money, and if you're born into royalty, I suppose you have to at least get your family’s blessing before you tie the knot. But for most people, marriage is about love.
Why love and divorce have everything to do with each other
So, if you marry for love, and you divorce when love is gone, isn’t divorce as much about love as marriage? Think about it, if you didn’t want love — or didn't believe in it — you probably wouldn't have gotten married in the first place. What’s more, if love doesn’t matter in marriage, then why get divorced? If marriage was only about money, family, or social position, then you would stay married even if your spouse lied, cheated, betrayed you, or just didn’t care anymore. None of that would matter or give you a reason for divorce.
How can divorce help you find love? The truth is that most people today believe in love and that you get married for love. If that's what you believe, then somewhere deep down, no matter how much you hurt, no matter how much your divorce devastated you, and no matter how upset you feel, there's a piece of you that still believes love is possible. It's that piece of you — that bruised, battered, tiny little piece of you — that can give you the resilience to bounce back and start again. It's that small voice, buried somewhere in your heart, that whispers, “Don’t believe it,” when your head tells you that love is a lie and marriage will never work for you.
Despite all of this talk of love, the truth is, divorce sucks. If you're in the middle of a nasty court battle, or if you're still reeling from the surprise realization that your spouse is having an affair and your marriage is over, it’s hard to see anything beyond your anger and pain. To you, divorce is more about leaving the person you hate, rather than finding the person you love. But one thing always leads to another.
You can look at divorce as an end, or you can look at it as a beginning. It’s the same either way. It hurts JUST as much. But looking at divorce as the opportunity to find new love and start again — an opportunity you would not have had if you stayed married — leaves you with hope for a bright future. Looking at divorce as an ugly end to your dreams (and life as you knew it) leaves you with pain and pessimism. Divorce is a choice. Love is a choice. What does love have to do with divorce? Maybe nothing ... or maybe everything. It all depends on you.
More for You:
Karen Covy is a divorce coach, mediator, lawyer, speaker, author, and entrepreneur. She has appeared on numerous television and radio programs and has had bylines appear on Chicago Tribune, Huffington Post, The Good Men Project, DivorcedMoms, and Mama Mia, among others.