I was having a therapy session with a client and she was complaining about the fact that her new boyfriend wasn't a kisser. She went on to say that his love-making was more a reenactment of a porn scene and less like someone who understood what it took to please a woman. I've heard this complaint from many female clients as of late. And I can't help but wonder how much of this trend in sexual preferences has anything to do with the era of free porn 24/7 as well as the expectations of immediate gratification and sound bit communications. In essence, I'm wondering if we've lost the art of love making. As with most things in the current culture, technology rules the day. I'm not sure there were as many sex toys , gadgets, and arousal aids today as there were in the past. I know of many women who are dependent upon vibrators to reach orgasm—thus keeping their partners out of the loop, or at least easily replaced. I know of many men who have difficulty focusing on their partners, having to imagine their favorite porn scene in order to reach orgasm. Some men have difficulty reaching orgasm inside a woman due to the acquired touch of masturbating to porn. Other couples seem to need more and more heightened stimulation and arousal to feel the same kind of passion they became accustomed to at the beginning of the relationship or at the beginning of their life as a sexual person. It seems the bar continues to be raised in terms of what necessitates hot sex and a good orgasm. I've also noticed that the art of seduction and romance may be faltering as well. Thus my client's complaint that her boyfriend doesn't kiss her before, during, or after love making and that more and more men and women are required to be aroused and satisfy on demand. Just like courtship has seen its better days, so has love making. I'm old enough to remember the days when women were wooed and romanced. Men were seducers and charmers. Love making was honored and honed in a way that left both parties satisfied and unrushed. The journey was more important than the outcome and you didn't need to feel in competition with the latest gadget or position seen on your favorite porn site. Women had pubic hair and men were entitled to be tired and not in the mood from time to time. There was something nice about simply making out in the back of the car or spending time touching each other in bed. No need for all the bells and whistles. No need to compete with the latest advertisement or magazine cover. The pressure was less. The time to spend connecting and pleasuring each other in simple yet delicious ways was present. More sex educator advice from YourTango: Help! My Husband Is Bored Of Sex The Best Sex Advice On YourTango Find A Relationship Expert Keep reading... So what do we do? I know for many of you, the art of love making is alive and well. And for many more, you are quite satisfied with your sex life regardless of the form it takes. But for those of you that miss love-making as opposed to f#*&ing your partner, here's what I suggest. Slow down, take your time Spend more time kissing and caressing Remember that love making is a journey, not a destination Find ways to seduce your partner, build the tension throughout the day (or week, whatever it takes) Create an atmosphere—know that looking into each other's eyes is atmosphere-as corny as that may sound Spend the entire day (or at least a good part of it) in bed every once in a while; make love making the priority. Shut out the rest of the world and create one for just the two of you. Remember, intimacy is sexy . Familiarity is passion. Connecting is hot. And making love is one of the best ways to say ' I love you '. Any other ideas? I'd love to hear them. If you or someone you know is struggling in their relationship, please don't hesitate to contact me . I am here to provide personalized guidance and coaching . And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program . You don't need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. As always, I'm here to support you in creating strong and intimate relationships. Be well, Julie P.S. And don't forget to catch my radio/TV show Pathways to Love w'Julie Orlov LIVE every Sunday 1:30pm PST on LATalkLive! Julie Orlov , psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if your relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com
