From Fantasy to Adultery

Love, Heartbreak

My mother once told me that, according to the Catholic faith, in God’s eyes a man who imagined having sex with a woman who wasn’t his wife was as guilty of adultery as the man who actually had sex with another woman. 

Now that I’m older, I realize that means we’re all going to hell for adultery, so we might as well have some fun along the way. Seriously, though, where and how do you draw the line? 

I took an informal poll recently about affairs; I wanted to know if people thought an emotional affair with no intercourse or a one night stand (with intercourse but no emotion attached) would be more damaging to a long term relationship.  I suspected the line would be drawn across gender lines, and for the most part I was right.  Most of the women thought an emotional affair would be more damaging, while most of the men thought the one night stand would be worse.  This speaks to how men and women view sex differently; most women need emotional stimulation to become aroused, while men need visual stimulation. 

The other day my friend David Cates had this to say: “I've often said that many women are addicted to porn, too – it just comes in the form of romance novels instead of the graphic pictures men prefer. There's eye-porn and emo-porn... and they're all fantasies that take us away from real people in the real world... and eventually take us away from our real selves, too. Genuine intimacy flows from authenticity.” 

Everyone fantasizes about sex.  Most people use fantasies during sex to help them get or stay aroused.  But do you want to know what’s really arousing?  Open your eyes and become present to your partner.  Use all of your senses to really feel both of your bodies.  Engage your mind with what’s actually happening rather than what you’re imagining. 

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