Are You Really "Not in the Mood"?

Love, Sex

After you've been with someone a long time, you might feel like you're not in the mood for sex...

A funny thing happens when you've been with the same person for a really long time. Even if you still like them a lot, you may find that you're just not that into having sex with them… or so you think. Your libido may be waning, or there may be too many other details on your mind between work and managing the home... or kids clamoring for attention... there are plenty of excuses not to have sex.

The truth is that it's not about any of those excuses. The fact is that even though Cherry Garcia is your all-time favorite ice cream, some days you want mint chocolate chip instead. No matter how great your partner is, you have to mix things up to keep sex exciting. It's just how humans are wired. Many different studies have shown that humans are naturally monogamous for three to seven years. Beyond that, monogamy is a choice.

It's also a lot of work, in my experience. Part of the reason it's a lot of work is because we cling to the illusion that when we love someone, we'll always remain "in love" with them. We think we're supposed to maintain that initial blush of lust, or at least some of it, throughout all the years of our relationship. Ultimately it's a good thing that we don't maintain that initial blush of lust, because that's an immature form of love. It's unsustainable over the long term because it's fueled by hormones whose purpose is to ensure we procreate.

Even for men, who are generally more interested in having sex and require less of a connection to get it on, being in a long term relationship can stifle the desire to have sex (at least with your current partner).

A deeper love bond forms over time, especially when both partners commit to being conscious in the relationship. It takes a lot of work, but it's worth it. It takes a commitment to communicate openly and honestly, to look at all aspects of yourself and try to be your best in each moment, and it takes a commitment to engage in the physical aspects of the relationship.

With busy schedules, you might have to schedule time for sex, but that doesn't mean it has to be boring. You might not be in the mood when you start, but a funny thing happens along the way. The more you do it, the more you want to do it. The hormones that are dormant when you're not having regular orgasms start flowing again. The body remembers how good it feels and wants more. However, it still takes work. Having the same kind of sex the same time and day and the same way every time is almost as bad as not having it at all.

Mix it up a little to keep those creative and sexual juices flowing. Here are some ideas:

1. Watch a sexy movie or, if you're feeling really adventurous, watch some pornography together. There's a wide gamut of styles, from female friendly, soft core porn all the way to bondage and fetish styles.

2. Make love somewhere other than the bedroom.

3. Text each other or leave little notes that say what you'd like to do or have done to you.

4. Act out a fantasy. You might try going out and pretending you don't know each other. You meet for the first time and strike up a conversation. Who knows what might happen from there?

5. Commit to having sex every day for seven days. It might be a challenge to carve out the time, but you'll find that the more you do it, the more you want it. Enjoy!